Happiness is Brought to a Relationship, Not Found There

Finding and keeping a healthy, committed relationship seems to be harder than ever these days. The internet, a rise in mental health concerns, and dynamic societal gender roles make remaining in a relationship a real challenge and tend to cause women to behave in ways that are more likely to drive a man away than bring him closer. We can make them feel demasculinized, unloved, untrusted, or smothered and in most cases, we’re oblivious to the things we do and how they make men feel.

The first, and most important thing, to realize is that men and women are not the same. Sure, not all men are the same either, but there are fundamental evolutionary aspects to manhood that, on some level, all men share. When we interact with our partners we tend to expect them to function the same way that we act, think and respond rather than how a man would think, act, and respond. This is why we feel so lost when a man starts pulling away. We feel like victims because we can’t fathom what we may have done to cause his distance and make assumptions rather than taking stock. We believe he’s cheating or that we’ve been played.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way. let’s look at a few fatal relationships mistakes that women make.

The Chase

Let’s face it, women like to be pursued and men don’t. Sure, his ego might get a good stroking but to a man being chased is usually a turn off. Men are fairly simple when it comes to courting. If he’s interested in you, he will make it known and will appreciate having to chase you a bit. Why? Because it makes him feel charismatic and manly to chase a woman and win her over but the woman he wants to win is the one who seems like an actual prize to him. Women who chase men often appear desperate and void of self worth to the opposite sex and who wants to win someone like that?

So how do you assure him that you’re interested without appearing desperate? Stop initiating contact. Let him text first and call first the majority of the time. Miss a phone call or two and wait a while before calling back. You’re not supposed to be sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. Live your life and let him know that your world doesn’t revolve around him.

If you’re already in a relationship stop asking for every detail of his day. Don’t show up at his job to surprise him with a lunch date. Don’t feel the need to break in to his guy time with text messages, Communicate with him and find out exactly what he expects as far as contact goes and don’t cross the line in to crazy girlfriend territory.

Being Consumed with Your Own Agenda

There is something disingenuous about trying to plan the future of a relationship when one only considers their own desires and needs. It’s a me centered mindset.  You get so fixated on achieving some sort of relationship goal (like being official), and on figuring out how he feels. When you do this, you aren’t connecting with him as a person, you are using him as a means to feel good about yourself and worthy of love and that is not the pathway towards a meaningful connection.

When you cook for him, clean his apartment, or offer him praise, are you doing it naturally or are you doing it to convince him that you’re worthy of his commitment? If it isn’t genuine, it won’t penetrate his heart. You’re far better off bonding naturally and making him feel like he can share parts of himself with you that he hides from the rest of the world. He needs to feel valued, not mothered.

Without manipulation, a relationship follows a natural course. If it’s taking too long for you, it may not be right for you and you should be the one moving on.

Feeling Entitled

Nothing turns a man off faster than unreasonable expectations from a woman. When he does things for you he wants to feel appreciated. Stepping outside of yourself and looking at him and appreciating him for the person he is, not just for the way he makes you feel and what he does for you, is other-focused and that is how a real connection forms.

Being too Needy and Stressing too Much over the Relationship

I once had a man tell me that even if he was the perfect man for me, I would still find something wrong with the relationship. He was right. I was insecure and needy and stressed too much over his behavior. I was always looking for a hidden meaning or agenda. I wasn’t ready for a commitment. I needed to work on myself, first.

Neediness usually comes from an emptiness within that we believe somebody else can fill for us. We may come to believe that some other person can give us something emotionally that we can’t give ourselves: a feeling of being OK, of being worthy of love, of feeling good about ourselves. The problem is someone else can’t give us those things; they come from within.

Neediness leads to a constant need for validation and reassurance. It causes jealously. We panic when he doesn’t call or text. We obsess over him and fear that he’ll leave us. We make him the center of our universe and neglect our own well-being as well as other people in our lives while we stress over the state of our relationship. This behavior is unhealthy for us and a deal breaker for most men. If you find yourself feeling this way. step back and take the time to understand why you behave this way.

Committing too Soon

You meet a guy who is heads and shoulders above all of the other men that you have to chose from. What do you do? You cut the others off and focus exclusively on him even though he hasn’t shown a desire to do the same with you. He tells you he likes things the way they are and you’re hurt by this, but you stay the course anyway hoping he’ll change his mind. He probably won’t.

You need to free yourself up to explore other options. It’s not that guys are anti-monogamy, or don’t want to commit, it just isn’t a man’s natural inclination to want to be tied down. A man will only commit himself to a woman if he is inspired to and if it has a benefit to him. If he is getting all the benefits of having a girlfriend without the obligations that come with being in a relationship, then why in the world would he change that situation?

If a man knows he is with an incredible woman and senses she will leave if he doesn’t commit in the way she wants, then he’ll commit. If a man is with an amazing woman but is kind of on the fence about her and senses she’ll leave if he doesn’t commit, then he’ll let her go. But if this same woman sticks around even though he won’t commit, then he might keep her around indefinitely and that is where the real trouble lies.

Author: Tomi Dean Lynch

I'm a romance author and relationship blogger who hails from the garden state! I lovingly reminisce about growing up in New Jersey in the 1980s and often incorporate the decade in my work. I am a lover of art, erotica, animals, flowers, coffee, and wine. I think coffee should have been first on the list! If you're looking for honest talk and steamy romance (in the books! I hardly know you!), I'm your girl!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: