So, you’re deep into a “situationship” with a guy and you find yourself developing feelings for him. You believe that he’s feeling those love sensations as well but, despite your best efforts, he shows no signs of wanting to commit to you. Worse, he seemed to be headed in the relationship direction but stopped dead in his tracks. You wonder what’s going on with him. You consider the idea that maybe he’s just a player and that he never intended to be with you long-term. As women, the one thing we rarely do is look in the mirror and ask, “did I do something to create this situation?”, and the answer may be yes.
Making Assumptions
It’s easy to assume that the man that you’re pining over is on the same page with you. After all, he is affectionate and says all the right things. Surely he’s already committed to you, right? So, you move along believing that you’re in a relationship when, for him, things are just casual. You never asked him about his feelings. You weighed his behavior on your emotional scale and never considered that his may be different from yours.
Since you didn’t ask, he didn’t tell and now, you’re getting angry when he likes other girls’ pictures on social media. You feel slighted when he goes out and doesn’t invite you. You become jealous and possessive of a man who technically isn’t yours.
When this happens, he sees it as a glimpse into what life with you as his girlfriend might look like and nobody wants to tie themselves down to someone who comes off as jealous and insecure. He wonders why you got so crazy when things were so chill before.
He may keep you around in a casual capacity, but you’ve probably made yourself a relationship no go.
Trying to Talk Him into it
In another article titled; “When Your Romantic Partner Won’t Commit”, I discuss not talking yourself into believing that one day, the man who tells you that he just wants to be casual will change his mind. They rarely do and if you try to convince him that he should, you just look desperate.
Men want to hold on to things that they find valuable, including women and desperate women are a dime a dozen. You need to remember why this man was attracted to you in the first place and be that strong, desirable person. If not, no amount of pressure will make him commit.
Being His Girlfriend Without Being His Girlfriend
Unless your encounters are purely sexual, this man is spending time with you because you fulfill one or more of his emotional needs. If you want more from him, you have to stop giving him everything he needs without getting something back.
They say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” I used to think that he should buy the cow because the day would come when the farmer got tired of giving away all the milk and cut him off. Now that I’m older and wiser I’ve come to realize that it’s very likely that I wasn’t his first cow and that he knows that there will be another dairy farm out there if I pack up my milk bucket and leave.
Stop being there at his convenience. If you’re busy when the phone rings, let it ring and call back later. Make sure you continue having a life without him. When he asks for advice, ask, “what have your other friends told you?” Make it clear that his problems are not yours to solve. Place a healthy distance between you and one of two things will happen. Either your value to him will increase, or he’ll go find another dairy.
Tomi's Voice 