How to handle a hot/cold man

Tomi Dean Lynch

I searched Google for the term “hot and cold man” and received 1,470,000,000 results (0.57 seconds). If you’re currently dating a man who swoons over you one minute and seems to forget that you exist the next, you are most assuredly not alone!

What does it mean to run hot and cold?

The term is used to describe a love interest who is inconsistent in their words and behavior as it relates to their feelings and the relationship in general but the issues can manifest in several different ways.

It may be that when you’re together, he is passionate, caring, and fully engaged but when you’re apart, he’s too busy to text or call or simply keeps the conversation on a friendly level.

He may spend days, weeks, or months calling every day and seeing you every chance he gets, then, without warning, the contact stops completely for a period and then picks up like nothing ever happened.

He may simply behave like he’s committed but introduces you to his inner circle as his “friend”.

These behaviors leave you confused and concerned that he may be playing you.

Why do men go hot and cold?

He may not be certain about the relationship

He enjoys your company and isn’t ready to lose you, but he isn’t ready to commit yet, either. He’s waiting for some particular thing to convince him that you’re the one.

He’s insecure

He’s simply afraid that is he invests too much or too quickly, the relationship will fall apart.

He doesn’t feel worthy or capable of giving you what you need.

He’s playing you and possibly others

The internet opened up a world of options in the dating world and many men and women take full advantage of shopping around. It may be that when your man goes cold on you, he’s going hot on someone else.

He likes the game

When he goes cold, your instinct may be to go hot and he thrives on the attention. He wants to feel wanted and pursued.

He gets off on the initial stages of a relationship and gets bored when the thrill of the chase is gone so he backs off when things get serious so he can start pursuing you all over again.

How to respond to a hot and cold man

Your response is dependent on a few factors including what you want from the relationship and why he behaves the way he does.

First, make sure you’re not overreacting. You need to understand your partner’s love language and patterns. He may be fully committed to you but he’s more independent and needs less contact in a relationship than you’re used to. It’s important to be open and honest about your feelings and expectations.

Resist the urge to go hot when he goes cold

If he goes cold, give him space to miss you. He may feel that you’re too clingy or insecure. Show him that you are perfectly capable of spending time on your own and actually do it. Invest that time in the things that you enjoy. Healthy relationships are not codependent.

Don’t try to teach him a lesson

Some women respond to hot/cold behavior by taking to social media to post about it. Some reach out to other men to prove to their partner that they’re desirable and worthy of attention. Doing these things simply tells your partner that you can’t be trusted to be respectful and faithful.

Don’t take it personally

Men can run hot and cold on even the most perfect partner. It’s rarely about you. It’s all about their feelings, behavior, and attitude.

Confront, Set Expectations, and, if necessary, Leave

Honesty really is the best policy. If your partner’s behavior is causing you grief, you need to confront the situation. Explain your concerns, tell them what you expect from them and set healthy boundaries. If they won’t commit to meeting those expectations, believe them and move on.

Author: Tomi Dean Lynch

I'm a romance author and relationship blogger who hails from the garden state! I lovingly reminisce about growing up in New Jersey in the 1980s and often incorporate the decade in my work. I am a lover of art, erotica, animals, flowers, coffee, and wine. I think coffee should have been first on the list! If you're looking for honest talk and steamy romance (in the books! I hardly know you!), I'm your girl!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: