I used to wonder how any man could think that using the same lines from the Fuck Boy dictionary over and over with different women could possibly work, Then, I realized, they believe it will work because it does! It’s liken to those parents who hear the same ridiculous excuses from their children, over and over, and still choose to believe that little Johnny is telling the truth. It’s not that we’re stupid or naïve. It’s that we choose to believe the bullshit that they sling at us. Yet, when he turns out to be nothing more than a fuck boy, we’re heartbroken and surprised. We say things like, “Why are all men dogs?” but we fail to realize that we blind ourselves to all of the warning signs. We think we can change them. The problem is, no one can be motivated to change when they are getting exactly what they want by staying the same. You can’t earn his respect by loving him more, or better, than the other women. You can’t reward his inattentiveness and failure to commit with more attention and expect him to value you. That’s just not how it works. While some men are genuinely looking for a relationship, others are simply looking to score something for the short term, Sex, money, emotional support, or an ego boost may be his driving force and the more you give him these things, the more he’ll play the game.
I’ll Take Things a Fuck Boy Says for $500, Alex
In the early stages, he says things like, “I don’t like talking on the phone, what’s your (insert social media here) screen name. This is generally because he is having the same conversation with several women and can’t talk to all of them at once.
He may also make plans and then break them because he’s too busy at work or forgot he had plans with his family. This is because he was working someone that he’s more attracted to and hoping that he’ll score. If he doesn’t score, you’ll get the after 2 am “WYD?” text. This translates to “I’m home alone and horny so I guess it’s your turn.”
You’ll find yourself sending messages that go unread for days even though he is always online. When he does answer, he’ll tell you he was busy at work and, miraculously, his phone is never charged.
Once you’ve had sex with the fuck boy, he wants to be a stay at home guy. Instead of going on dates, he tells you he wants you all to himself. You’ll eat a lot of take out and watch movies and you’ll have a lot of sex because that’s why they put the “fuck” in fuck boy. He also doesn’t want his friends to meet you and he certainly doesn’t want to meet yours.
In general, fuck boys are low quality players. They lie and manipulate to get what they want and they are smart enough to realize that if they stay too long they will get caught.
Sometimes, we get stuck with a fuck boy who sucks at it. When this happens, we can end up spending months or even years in a non-committed, one sided situationship. It’s not because he wants to be with us, per se, it’s just that his game isn’t strong enough to allow him to find another victim.
This is when we hear things like, “I’m afraid to move to the next level with you because I love you and don’t want to lose you by screwing things up.” There’s also the famous, “We have a good thing, why does it need a label?” And my favorite, “I (or you) have trust issues that need to be worked on before we can plan a future together.”
I hope you enjoyed the Red Flag Series. Let me know if you want to see more!
Social media red flags span the gamut from huge to almost trivial and likely depend a lot on your partners age. The younger the man, the larger the role social media plays in his life. The red flags are different at different stages in the relationship as well. A little predate spying may uncover red flags that cause you to call of your first meeting while a change in social media behavior during a committed relationship may be a sign that your partner is unfaithful. Whatever the case, you have boundaries for the way your partner behaves in public. The same should be true for how he behaves on social media..
He values his single status more than he values you
If you are in a committed relationship with a man, he should want the world to know about it. Heck, he should love you so much that he wants to brag about it because he feels lucky to have you. If he drags his feet about changing his relationship status on social media or comes up with excuses why he won’t do it, he is probably trying to keep his side chicks or potentials from knowing about you. If he changes his status to “In a relationship” but doesn’t tag you, he doesn’t want people to know who you are. This may be because he feels like he could do better than you or because he fears that women that he has wronged will reach out to you. Either way, red flag!
The same is true if he never posts about you or pictures of you. You tag him in a photo of you together and sometime later he removes the tag or archives the post.. He’s not that private, he’s hiding something.
He’s never deleted the public pictures of himself with his exes
These photos are his bragging rights. He’s saying, scroll through my photos and see what I can bag. If these were simply fond memories, he’d keep them on his phone or on a hard drive. He’s keeping them public so other people see them and that’s disrespectful. As women, we know that when we break up with a guy, we delete their photos from our social media. Normal men do, too.
He picks fights on social media or flaunts his good deeds all the time
You know the guy who is always up in someone’s comments flexing his imaginary muscles? This guy either has anger issues or an intense need for social acceptance. Both of these traits are toxic.
Is he a good guy because it’s his nature or does he do good things for social status points? If he has to pose for a selfie with the homeless man before he gives him his spare change, he has issues.
He wants you to text via Snapchat
There are two possible reasons he wants to only communicate on Snapchat. One is the lack of permanence allows for fewer inhibitions. You may be more likely to sext or send nudes if you know they’ll disappear in 24 hours. The other possibility is that he’s seeing someone else and worries that they’ll check his phone. Snaps disappear within seconds so his other significant other is less likely to catch him in the act.
He’s always online
When a man, or woman, is always online, they aren’t present in the real world. Social media addiction is real and those who suffer from it rarely have real hobbies or interests. Who wants to date someone like that?
He follows a lot of sexually explicit accounts
You may be thinking, “Hey, he was single when he added those.”, but is he still liking the photos or commenting on the posts?
The same girls keep liking and commenting on his pictures and posts
Huge red flag! While he can’t control who interacts with his social media, if he isn’t reciprocating in some way, most women will simply stop and move on. If they keep coming back, you can be sure that he’s throwing them a bone!
Another woman is commenting intimately on his posts
Perhaps she eludes to the fact that she may have been the one who took that picture he posted of himself in the bar, or worse, in his bed. In my case, a girl used language like, “I’m proud of you,” and “I love you.” When I questioned it, he replied, “I don’t know why she’s like that” Later, I stumbled upon the nudes that they were sending each other on his phone.
He’s reacting to other girls’ pictures
This one is huge! If he’s heart reacting a female friends graduation photo or birthday celebration or leaving a cry emoji when her dog dies, that is probably acceptable. If he’s doing the same to her selfies, particularly the scantily clad selfies, he’s a dog. Let him go.
More red flags
He goes dark to hide when he’s online from you. He has to approve anything you post on his timeline before it becomes public. The number of likes on his posts don’t match the number of profiles you see when you click to see who is liking his stuff. When this happens, someone has intentionally blocked you from seeing their activity. He was big on Facebook when you met but now he only uses Snapchat so you can’t see his interactions. You can see that he’s online but he doesn’t read your messages. He shields his phone from you when he’s reading his messages or looking at timelines on apps like Instagram where only he can see posts from those he follows. He has reconnected with an ex as “friends”. He has thousands of friends and the majority of them are female. And, finally, he paused but didn’t delete his Tinder account.
Tune in tomorrow for “How to Translate Fuckboy” and let me know if you like this red flag series.
You’re getting to know a guy and, naturally, you’re curious about his relationship history. When I was younger, I didn’t think this was very important. Call it naïve but I was one to take things at face value. I thought that knowing about his exes would just lead to me comparing myself to them or obsessing over how many sexual partners he had. Yes, I can be a bit possessive and jealous at times. It wasn’t until I acquired some experience with the opposite sex that I realized how many red flags can be uncovered simply by asking a person about their past relationships. Here are a few that stand out.
He has a grocery list of exes and never had a long term relationship
If you question this, he will probably say, “I just haven’t found the right one yet,” followed by a sheepish grin and a playful poke but is that really it? You would think that at least one would have stuck for a while, right?
The most common reason a person has a string of short term relationships is that they either fear or look unfavorably upon commitment. They like companionship and exclusive access to a lover, but they aren’t interested in investing in anyone for the long term. They are either secure enough to know that they can find someone new when the ether wears off and the relationship is no longer fun and easy or too insecure to invest themselves deeply enough to risk being hurt.
I know a man who told me that he has never loved any of his romantic partners. Not even the ones that he cohabitated with. He said that he dated people who were just easy to date and didn’t require a lot of effort on his part. That way, when it was time to walk away, he could just cut things off and move on with no regrets or second thoughts. He has never had a relationship last longer than seven months with the noted exception of his first relationship.
One day, I decided to ask him about his first love and his tone and demeanor instantly changed. It was easy to see that he had loved this girl completely. He put her on a pedestal and gave her everything he had to offer both emotionally and materially. What happened? She broke his heart and, subsequently changed his perspective on relationships. Now, I know, we’ve all had our share of heartbreak, but for him, this first experience tainted the way he looked at relationships for the next ten years of his life. He was not willing to endure that kind of pain again but he didn’t want to be lonely either. So, when he felt like he wanted someone in his life, he sought out what I call disposable partners. They never knew that he considered them disposable. They’d settle in together and he would watch for their flaws. Not because he wanted to have dialogue about them, but because he wanted to make a mental note of them so that when the flaws outweighed the fun, he could pack it in.
I imagine these women waking up in the morning to find that the man that they went to sleep with was just gone. He would block their numbers, block them on social media and just disappear. They would be left to wonder what went wrong and never get any closure.
You are probably thinking that this guy is a real ass and from a relationship perspective, you’d be right but what about these women? They would have been able to see his lack of dedication to their relationship if they’d only asked a few questions. They failed to protect themselves because they made assumptions instead of seeking truth.
Asking a man who fears commitment about the future can close him off fast. A man who dislikes commitment may gas light when confronted with questions like, “Where do you see this going?” or, “Do we have a future together?” You need to find the truth the way a detective elicits a confession.
First, listen to what he talks about and how he responds to you. A man who is only in this for now will not connect deeply with you. Your conversations will mostly be light hearted and casual. He won’t sit down to share his deepest secrets, fears, and longings. You’ll tell yourself that women are just more emotional than men or that he’s the strong silent type, but this lack of desire to connect with you is a giant red flag.
When you talk about your own fears, heartbreaks, and dreams, he may offer words of encouragement or empathy but how quickly does he try to redirect the conversation? How well does he retain what you’ve told him?
When he talks about his goals and future plans, do they ever include you? When you ask serious questions or try to make plans, do you get half-answers or no answer at all?
If you want to know how committed a man is, talk to him about summer plans in the dead of winter. If he breaks a sweat just thinking about it, you may have a problem.
All of his exes were crazy. (According to him)
Never trust a guy who calls all of his exes crazy. Crazy is just a catch-all phrase that guys use to discount women. Calling them crazy is just a way of writing off the relationship without taking any blame. Men like to label women as crazy when they react to things in ways that they don’t like. When a woman calls a man out for lying or flirting with other women, she’s possessive crazy. When she gets upset because he continually breaks commitments and cancels plans, she’s needy crazy. If he’s a big enough jerk, she’s labeled as all kinds of crazy and it’s very likely that every woman who he refers to as crazy is referring to him as a big loser.
When he tells you they’re crazy he is only giving you the convenient parts of the story. The parts where he is the victim. They call their exes crazy but never say what they did to bring out the crazy.
While he’s cutting them down, he’s telling you a lot about his character. If he can’t speak respectfully about the women who have been in his life, he isn’t a man who respects women and, one day, he’ll label you as crazy, too.
I was casually involved with a man who I’d known on a friendly basis for many years. Because we’d known each other for so long, we shared parts of our social circle. One day, one of his exes reached out to me and told me that I should be careful because while we were seeing each other, he was also trying to renew his relationship with her. After I read the message I asked him, “What would you do if you were casually seeing someone and their ex contacted you and told you that they were also seeing your partner?” He replied, “I’d consider the source. She’s probably crazy.” To which I replied, “You realize that by calling the ex “she” you just made yourself the person who is being accused when I asked you what you would do if your partners ex accused them, right?” He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I didn’t need any more proof. The “crazy ex” was the one who was being truthful.
I’ve started talking to my ex again but she’s just a friend. I’d never want a relationship with her again
World population – 7,874,965,825
Percentage of the world population that is female – 49.6%
You may not want to hear this, but with that many people in the world, if he needs a friend and choses an ex, and she agrees to be his friend, they are going to sleep together.
Maybe you’re saying, “Oh, Tomi, you’re being insecure. They might not sleep together. It may just be that they have a bond and he trusts her.”
Okay, if you’re willing to date a man who seeks emotional connection from other women, go for it. If you aren’t troubled by the idea that he is so bonded to a former lover that he would turn to her to talk about, oh, I don’t know, you? Rock on with your bad self. I don’t want it!
Ask Google why men want to be friends with women after a break up and this is the most common answer:
The reasons why he wants to be friends after dumping you are to soften the blow of ending the relationship, finding comfort knowing you’re still in his life when he experiences uncomfortable feelings and to keep you as an option. In some situations, he wants to be friends after dumping you out of guilt.
Raise your hand if any of that sounds appealing to you.
He has a string of committed relationships and has never been ‘single’
He might be a serial monogamist. A serial monogamist feels most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and don’t take breaks between relationships to be single or to casually date.
You may think a serial monogamist is a good guy to have. After all, they like commitment which may seem refreshing in a world full of fuck boys but serial monogamists are no more ready to settle down with you than the fuck boys are. They offer you monogamy with a limited life expectancy and aren’t likely to make good partners.
What are the red flags of the serial monogamist?
They’ve never been married or engaged but have a history of long term relationships that went nowhere. They lack independence often living with their family or several roommates. They show no interest in meeting your family even though you spend all of your time together. They have no interest at all in your romantic past. This is because they’re on a superficial ride and are only concerned about right now. All of their goals are career oriented. They never talk about future plans as it relates to marriage, children, or their personal interests. They don’t care about your personal opinions. Your religion, politics, family values…none of these things interest them. They get caught up in the moment. They are spontaneous, passionate, and intense but if that intensity fades, they will tire of you and move on.
If you like this red flag revelation, tune in tomorrow for part three!
What is a red flag? According to dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree, a red flag can be defined as “something your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity or interest towards the relationship”. Over time, we’ve broadened the definition to include personality traits and behaviors that indicate that someone would not make a good partner, like, lack of drive, addictive qualities, and a history of commitment issues.
By now, we’re all pretty familiar with the existence of red flags. But, sadly, we’re also adept at overlooking or ignoring them.
As a romance author, I have researched and written about all kinds of relationships and one thing that stands out to me is that, no matter the decade, romance books about bad boys are always on the best seller lists. What is it about the bad boy that we find so irresistible? We claim to want loving, loyal, responsible men, but our knees get weak when we fantasize about the rude, crude loner who treats women like toys.
Whatever the draw of the bad boy, it could be our desire to change him that causes us to dismiss so many red flags when we see them.
What about the guy who seems perfect in the beginning? You’ve used your natural gifts as a woman to stalk him better than an NSA agent. His apartment is tidy, his dog is fed, there is an actual bed frame under his mattress and the food in his refrigerator did not expire last year. Do we become complacent in his perfection and blind to the red flags when they appear? Maybe, or maybe because women invest emotionally so quickly, we make ourselves believe that we can love the red flags right out of him because we don’t want to admit that our time and investment were wasted.
Now, I don’t want to come off as man shaming. As women, we have some red flags, too. Some of us are too needy, some of us have trust issues, some of us are narcissistic; the list goes on. Because we are all imperfect creatures, it is important to know when red flags are real and when we invent them as excuses to disconnect from someone. Sometimes, it’s our red flags that do us in. Our own insecurities and tendency to overthink can have us accusing men of all sorts of horrid things when in actuality, they really did just fall asleep on the couch or get too busy at work to answer your text.
The world can be crazy and, believe me, as a single “cougar” aged woman, I know there’s a lot of pee in the dating pool.
I’ve asked a question to myself, and my girlfriends, more than a handful of times; “Is this a problem, or am I overreacting?” I believe most of us have. If you’ve ever had to question your own sanity because of his audacity, this journey is for you!
I’ll be back with part one of my Red Flag Ramblings soon! Stay tuned!
Log on to Tik Tok and you may discover a surprising trend. Young men are proudly boasting their desire to date older women. Some, even touting images of them with the one that they’ve fallen for. While I, personally haven’t been with a man less than 10 years younger since my divorce in 2012, I wasn’t aware that relationship preferences like this were so hot right now. It makes one ask, why? Just what makes older women so appealing to these men right now? I think I may have some answers.
First and foremost, the idea that boys who made the term MILF a household word grew in to men who preferred older women shouldn’t really be that surprising. As these boys reached their late twenties and early thirties, their MILF’s morphed in to Cougars. That makes sense but still doesn’t get the root of the attraction. With no shortage of scantly clad, hard bodied, wrinkle free girls out there why are these men dropping in to the DM’s of women who may not even know what DM stands for?
Here are my top five reasons so many younger men go for older women
1- As one young Tik Tokker put it, “You see a put together Cougar and there’s no comparison…”
What he was talking about wasn’t so much the clothing style or body type. It was the confidence. Older women are more secure with themselves and exude a natural confidence. This confidence comes from a strong sense of self worth and a deep understanding of value. These things most often are obtained through life experience and there isn’t much in this world that’s sexier than someone who is secure with themselves. While younger women are still seeking public validation, older women know that this kind of thing is shallow and they are not fulfilled by it. Older women seek the attention of their romantic partner and tend to turn a blind eye to the ogling of others. Younger men don’t want to feel threatened by their girlfriends 4,000 Instagram followers or shady Snap Chat pals and this is the number one reason they prefer a more mature mate.
2- Older women don’t want to see you 24/7
An older woman has developed a strong sense of self. She has probably already been in a relationship where she lost touch with friends, gave up her hobbies, or even gave up her passion to cater to the needs of her lover. She does not want to do that again. She enjoys her alone time and time engaging in activities that her partner has no interest in and she wants her partner to enjoy those things, too. She wants to date a whole person, not someone who has no life outside of her prevue. She won’t be found whining when her lover wants a night out with the guys. She’ll probably take advantage of that time and catch up with on old friend or read that book that she bought last week. She won’t be texting or calling, either. If she’s with you, she’s secure in your relationship and trusts that you are where you say you are.
3- There’s No Doubt That She Doesn’t Want A Sugar Daddy
Older women tend to be financially independent. If they want you, they want you. They don’t need you to meet their needs financially. They will, however, drive you to achieve financial security in your own life because they want what’s best for you and want an equal partner on the road of life. It’s a true win for a younger man who can benefit from advice on careers, spending, investing, and budgeting.
4- Fewer Head Games
Older women are more quiet conversationalists and may tend to be nurturers. They prefer honest dialogue to head games and manipulation. They’ve likely wasted time on toxic relationships and have no interest in repeating that cycle. You will always know where stand and can express yourself with little fear of manipulation.
5- The Sex
There is no doubt that sex is an important part of a relationship and sex with an older woman is definitely a strong selling point for a younger man. A more experienced lover brings a lot to the table. She knows what she likes and also how to please a lover. Older women are givers in the bedroom and enjoy giving pleasure as much as they enjoy receiving it. They also understand that occasional performance issues come with the territory and can easily destress a lover who suffers from performance anxiety.
I’m thrilled with the run away success of Desire. It’s my first published lesbian romance and it has been very positively received by readers. I love these characters and it always feels good to find out that readers love them, too!