Tag: dating advice

Why spying on your partner is a bad idea

With the New Year quickly approaching we can all take stock of our past behavior and resolve ourselves to make healthy changes. If you are someone who regularly checks your partners phone, location, or social media activity, this is one behavior you might consider changing,

Based on multiple surveys conducted from 2019 through 2022 between thirty-seven and sixty-eight percent of people admit to spying on their partner. These surveys indicated that people under age thirty-five and female partners are more likely to engage in the activity than older people and men and most say that their partner has no knowledge of these invasions of privacy.

Why do we spy

The most obvious reason people spy is to determine if their partner is cheating or likely to cheat. We may also spy to see if they are engaging in activities or behaviors that they’ve committed to stop like drinking, doing drugs, gambling, visiting strip clubs or watching pornography but no matter what we’re looking for, we’re really just searching for assurances that they’re being honest and committed to us. For one reason or another, we do not completely trust our partners and spying is a way to gain validation without confrontation.

Why we shouldn’t spy

One of the key foundations of a healthy relationship is trust. If your partner gives you reason not to trust them, that’s a red flag that should not be ignored. The healthy way to address this is through having an open dialogue and if the situation persists, leave. If your partner isn’t giving you reasons to doubt them but you still have trouble trusting them, you may be bringing unresolved issues from your past into your new relationship. This isn’t fair to your partner. You should be open and honest about any doubts or concerns that you have with regard to honesty and infidelity so that you and your partner can work on these issues together.

You may start out by just scanning his inbox one time and tell yourself that you’ll never do it again but the fact is spying on your partner can become addicting. That’s because the validation that is received from verifying his fidelity is short lived. We keep checking because we want a continued sense of security.

Spying causing undo stress and anxiety. Once you go down the rabbit hole, there’s no going back. Let’s say you’re checking out their social media and find an attractive new friend. You want to know who they are, how they know each other and if they’re communicating publicly or privately. The next thing you know, you’re spying on a stranger’s social media, checking emails, texts, direct messages, likes and comments on photos and posts and any other ways the two might be in contact. You grow more anxious with each step in this process and just imagine the stress you would feel if you lost access to your partners device before you completed your search.

Trust goes both ways. Spying on your partner is a violation of their privacy. I’ve been in long term relationships with men who refused to go into my purse even when they had permission because that was my private space and they didn’t want to violate it. Imagine how one of those men would feel if they found out that I was checking their phone and cyber stalking their Facebook? How would they ever trust me again?

What will you do with the information once you have it? Ask yourself what you’ll do if you find out that your partner is being dishonest or unfaithful. Will you confront them? Will you leave them? What will you do if they tell you that you’re misinterpreting their activity or reading too much into those likes on that persons selfies? If you think you’ll be satisfied with them telling you that they won’t do it again, you’re probably wrong. You are more likely to continue the spying to make sure they’re not lying.

Your dishonesty in your efforts to prove that your partner isn’t betraying you is an actual betrayal of your partner. 41% of women who admitted spying on their partner said that they probably wouldn’t end the relationship if they discovered infidelity. In cases like this, spying is simply a way to get the upper hand in the relationship. It’s a way of saying, “You can’t get one over on me,” and relationships are supposed to be partnerships where both partners are equal. If you feel you need the validation that comes from having the upper hand, you’re not in a healthy relationship.

Simply put, spying is unhealthy for you, your partner and your relationship. If you feel the need to spy, you should seek to address the underlying reason for the behavior and work to resolve the problem or address the personal insecurity.

This article originally published at https://medium.com/@tomilynchromance/why-spying-on-your-partner-is-a-bad-idea-c176039315ec

A controversial take on older women and younger men

I recently saw a video on Tiktok where the male creator gave his opinion, (stated as fact, of course) on younger men dating older women. His video was an obvious attempt to shun women who date younger as he stated that he knew the “Karen’s” were going to flood his comments and that he was excited by the idea of shutting them down.

While this guy seems to be a jerk of epic proportion, I have to say that there is some truth to his opinion. Even a broken man can be right every now and then.

The basics

  • Younger men will gravitate to older women because there is no fear of commitment
  • Older women will never have a fulfilling relationship with a younger man
  • These relationships will never end in marriage
  • An older woman will always be nothing more than a teacher who trains a younger man to be a better partner to his forever woman
  • Younger men who date older are rarely high-value men. They are toxic, insecure, and financially unstable
  • High-value men date women their age or younger
  • Younger men who date older are looking for better sex, emotional support, and  financial support
  • Older women are being  used by younger men and will always end up hurt and alone

As I said, there is some truth to his statements, but a recent study confirmed that sixty percent of younger men of any age will be attracted to older, more mature women and more than one in ten marriages in America is comprised of an older woman and younger man so looking at the larger picture his logic falls short.

Yes, there are young men who will prey on an unsuspecting older woman but there are also men who will prey on younger women. Toxic is toxic regardless of the age gap.

What this Tiktocker fails to realize is that many older women date younger men because they aren’t interested in marriage or traditional relationship roles. Many of these women have been married and raised families and are post-divorce. They have come into a new phase of life in which they are independent, self-sufficient, confident, and secure. They want a partner for intimacy and companionship. They want someone with energy and enthusiasm to help them find themselves again.

These women don’t want someone to move in and make a home with. They don’t want to have to compromise on paint colors or the firmness of the mattress. They’ve done that already. They don’t want to share financial decisions and pool their money because they value their independence.

Whether these relationships turn out to be the love of a lifetime or a fond memory is no less dependent on the desires of the individuals than in any other type of relationship and, hopefully, each will be honest about their intentions.

As we shift into a world where non-traditional relationships are on the rise, it may be best not to judge the entirety of a dating preference on the negative outcomes of a few.

Stop playing games to win a man

There’s a lot of talk on the internet concerning whether or not women should chase men. Most sources tell you that chasing a man makes you look desperate and can bruise your ego if the chase doesn’t end in capturing his affection. Some sources add that chasing is biologically programmed in men and that they like hunting down and winning their prized partner and when the woman becomes the pursuer, her value drops and she is no longer worth winning to him.

Sure, there is some truth to the concept that men like to pursue women, but most men also enjoy it when a woman reaches out to let him know that she’s thinking of him. In the vastly confusing world of dating, it seems that women are being told to turn “the chase” into a well-orchestrated cat and mouse game. They’re told to count his calls and only answer after he’s called two or three times. They’re told to wait before answering texts and to never text first.  If this seems a bit manipulative and deceitful, it’s because it is.

Be authentic

The first step to building a relationship is to be clear on your feelings and expectations. The other person deserves to know how you feel about them and what you’re looking for. If you’re truthful from the start and he stops reaching out or responding, you have your answer. He isn’t looking for the same things from you, at least, for right now.

If you want to send a text or make a call, do it. You don’t have to wait for him to make the first move. If he responds great. If not, pull back. He may be busy or he may not be interested.

Think of a text conversation as if it were happening face to face. If you speak to someone and they don’t reply, you don’t just keep talking so don’t keep texting. If he answers, great. If not, consider yourself ghosted and move on.

Avoid gameplay

Life would be so much easier if there was a magic formula for meeting someone and making them fall in love with you. Sadly, there isn’t and as more women start following the advice they see on social media, more men become aware of the signs of gameplay. Just as we figured out fuck boy language, men are figuring out the ways that women manipulate.

What you want is commitment and that comes from honest connection. If you’re using subversive tactics to win a man, when do you stop and become your true self? Gameplay is exhausting because the cycle never ends. Once you have his attention, you modify the game to keep his attention. Before you know it, you’re playing games to keep him faithful because you can’t be certain what his true intentions are. You never allowed him an opportunity to show you.

Listen

If you listen with the intent to understand, you’ll have a pretty good idea of where your relationship is going. Too often we take what men say and try to interpret it like it’s a foreign language. If he tells us that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship we tell ourselves that he’s been hurt and we need to prove that we’re different and worthy of his commitment when the correct thing to do is to take his words at face value.

Express your truth

If the man you’re interested in doesn’t share your values or feelings, tell him. Let him know that you’re not on the same page. Chances are he won’t change his mind for you and that’s okay. That’s when you value yourself enough to move on.

Be empowered

There’s an amazing sense of confidence that comes from living your authentic truth. Having solid boundaries and upholding your values is an empowering stance that high-value men find very attractive. Choosing to not play games may limit the number of players on your field but the quality of those players will increase exponentially.

The best way to attract an honest, confident, strong man will always be to be an honest, confident, strong woman

Original Post: https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/stop-playing-games-to-win-a-man-1f9df726557b

Men Need Safety in a Relationship, Too

They may not talk about it. They might not even realize that it’s what they’re looking for but for a man to fall in love and stay in love, he needs to feel safe. So, what does safety look like for a man? He’s probably not expecting his female partner to defend him against muggers. What he needs is to feel safe emotionally.  He needs security.

A Person to be Vulnerable With

Phrases like, “crying like a baby” and “just man up” are common in our society because many men were taught that talking about feelings is a feminine trait. To the outside world, your man wants to appear confident, secure, and brave but, like all of us, he needs a place where he can talk through his doubts and fears. He needs someone in his life who will allow him to express his feelings without shaming him or viewing him as less of a man for doing so.

Men carry just as much emotional baggage as women and they want their partners to understand what they’ve been through. It’s a normal part of the bonding experience and helps to grow a relationship. Ridiculing a man, invalidating his feelings, or using things that he’s said when he was vulnerable as ammunition later may cause his love to die on the vine.

Acceptance

Men want someone who accepts them as they are, not someone who sees them as raw material that can be molded into something presentable. If a woman can’t accept a man’s flaws and also compliment his positive traits, his needs won’t be met and he’ll likely lose interest. No one feels safe when they’re consistently told that they aren’t good enough.

Trust

For a man to feel safe with you, he must first trust you. Like women, men feel insecure when their partner is evasive or aloof. If he feels that his partner thrives on attention from other men, he may just jump ship. Even the most secure man will become doubtful if he feels that his partner is too secretive or too eager to give their attention to other men.

Appreciation

Our society has created women who can masterfully balance masculine and feminine energy within themselves, We can be the hard-nosed boss during the day and the soft, loving mother at night but this is a bit more difficult for men.  Men tend to spend most of their time in their masculine energy.

Men are naturally inclined to protect and provide for their partners regardless of how independent and capable that partner may be. If a man feels “unnecessary”, he will not believe that he holds a place of value in the relationship and that may make him insecure. He wants a partner who is willing to accept his help and express gratitude for his effort. He wants to know that his relationship isn’t a competition. He wants a partnership and he wants his role in that partnership to be acknowledged.

Four Signs That He Doesn’t Think You’re “The One”

It happens. You meet someone and everything seems to be progressing fine, then, you begin to wonder if he’s in it for the long haul with you or if you’re simply filling some temporary void for him. You realize that he doesn’t include you in many aspects of his life and that your “couple presence” both online and in the real world is almost non-existent. Maybe he’s just a private person or maybe, he doesn’t think you’ll be around that long. As anyone who has suffered a breakup knows, the more public the relationship, the more uncomfortable the breakup becomes. You have to wash the stain of failure off your social media and endure questions and unsolicited advice from family and friends. Guys just don’t want to deal with these things.

His behavior is not always intentional. He might not be a manipulator or even a bad guy. Most men don’t plot out a relationship, including boundaries, from start to finish. It may be that he just doesn’t feel it, so he doesn’t do it. Like telling you that you’re beautiful when you’re make up free and your hair is a mess. He doesn’t decide not to tell you. If he doesn’t think it, he doesn’t say it.

So, how do you know if he’s in it for the long haul?

He doesn’t commit to long term plans without discussing them with you

If you’re shocked to discover that he’s taken a work assignment that will dramatically change his income, lifestyle, or location, you’re temporary. If he books a flight for next summer and then tells you about his plans later, you’re temporary. Men and women seek counsel from those that they love and respect. He wouldn’t make a life-altering decision without asking for your input. In addition, he would care about your feelings on the matter. If he’s given an opportunity that excites him and his first thought isn’t to share the news with you, he doesn’t see you as his life partner.

He’s proud to show you off to his friends

When a man believes that he’s found the one, he also believes that she’s something to brag about. He wants to tell the world, “Look at her. She’s mine.” Some men do this subtly by simply exposing you to his inner circle. Others are more overt. They boast to their friends about your accomplishments and show you off every chance they get. If he doesn’t do these things, he is, at minimum, unsure about you.

When he talks about the future, it’s we, not me

When he dreams about his life ten years from now, he sees you in the picture and uses the words, we and us. If he tells you that he sees himself making it big in the real estate market and settling down in another state, he doesn’t plan to take you with him.

He’s protective of you

When a man begins to think of a woman as his life partner, he goes into protector mode. He worries when you work late and have to walk to your car in a dark parking lot. If you’re ill or having emotional problems, you are his top priority, even when it’s inconvenient. He will stand up for you when someone mistreats you and will defend you, even against those in his inner circle. No matter how independent and capable you are, he will express concern for your well-being. If he doesn’t, he’s not fully committed to a future with you.

Six Signs of a High Value Woman

A high-value woman is described as a woman who knows her worth. She is a woman who emanates an energy of confidence, compassion,, and independence and is one who is highly attractive to men for reasons that go far beyond her physical attributes.

There are several reasons a man would crave a high-value woman. She keeps him in check by not keeping him in check. She isn’t clingy or demanding and allows him to have aspects of his life that don’t include her. He likes that she wants him, but doesn’t need him. He values her trust in him but understands that she knows her own worth and will leave him if he breaks that trust. In addition, her energy can be intoxicating. Her confidence can be contagious. He may feel like a better man when he’s with her. She’s someone that he wants to brag about. Having her by his side is a privilege because she can have her pick of many men but chose him.

So, how do you know if a woman is high-value? There are many qualities that present in high-value women but here are the top six attributes that these women share.

She loves and respects herself first, and very deeply

She is confident in her abilities and life skills and is likely financially independent because of this. She takes care of her body, mind, and spirit.. Her external beauty is often a byproduct of her healthy lifestyle. She tends to surround herself with other high-value people but is a beacon for the broken.  She will encourage and uplift others but will not reduce herself to their level or allow them to bring her to a place of stress. She values her own emotional health too greatly for that.

She’s happy alone

When she isn’t in a relationship, she fills her time with projects and activities that bring her fulfillment or improve her position. She doesn’t need a man to fill a void for her because she fills it herself. When she’s in a relationship, she doesn’t require her partners’ undivided attention. In fact, she’d prefer not to have it  She needs her alone time and expects her partner to value theirs as well. She understands that it takes two whole people to have a healthy relationship.

She’s sexually confident

She knows what she wants and expects her partner to provide it. She isn’t shy about her sexuality and this confidence radiates from her making her very desirable. She loves her body and won’t need the lights off to undress and get down to business. She isn’t concerned that her partner might notice her physical flaws because she has learned to embrace them. She understands that nobody is physically perfect and doesn’t expect her partner to be either. She realizes that sensuality comes from within.

She knows her worth and won’t settle

If she feels disrespected, she will say so. If the disrespectful behavior continues, she will leave. She doesn’t settle for less than she deserves in the workplace or romantically. She is confident that she can find what she needs even if it means starting over.

She is genuinely interested in her partner

She wants to know him because she understands how emotional connections are made, She’ll ask questions and engage. High-value women rarely talk about themselves because they don’t feel the need to sell themselves to anyone. Someone once said, “A strong woman never talks about how strong she is..” They were right.  She will advise and uplift a high-value man and he will love her for it.

She is emotionally mature

She’s not co-dependent or clingy and doesn’t suffer fits or jealousy. She is capable of talking about problems in a relationship without assigning blame. She isn’t spiteful or vindictive and will only work to improve a relationship if she feels that it’s worth saving. She is compassionate and caring and seeks to understand the feelings of others.

When Your Romantic Partner Won’t Commit

You have someone special in your life who takes up much of your time and, although you aren’t in a relationship, you see each other exclusively. After months, or years, in some cases, you decide that you would like to take things to the next level. When you mention this to them, they panic and you’re devastated. You don’t understand. You know they enjoy being with you. They’re with you all the time! You begin to question their intentions. You wonder if they are playing you. You think there may be someone else. You may also wonder why they think you aren’t worthy of a relationship and begin to doubt yourself.

This isn’t a time for you to overthink or create these kinds of scenarios. This is a time to listen and observe. If you truly care for this person, you need to hear what they’re telling you.

If they tell you that they’re happy with things the way they are, believe them. If they tell you that they aren’t ready for a relationship, believe them. If they want to hold on to you, but don’t want to commit to you, believe them, and, if you find yourself still wanting more than they are willing to give, leave.

You may think that if they call you every day and have sex with you every chance they get they will eventually feel comfortable enough to commit to you. They won’t. You can’t make someone love you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate.

You may think that you can convince them that you’re the one. You can’t. It’s likely that they already love you, or, at least, care very deeply for you because they want you in their life. If they fear that they might lose you, you may succeed in convincing them to make a commitment that they aren’t ready for.  It won’t last and one or both of you will likely harbor resentment toward the other.

Communication is a two-way street. It takes truth from the speaker and acceptance from the listener. They’re saying, “I don’t want to have a relationship with you”, and you’re hearing, “I’m confused and need you to make me realize that I will be happy with you.” These situations often end with the pursuer feeling used and misled when in reality, the other person has been honest about their intentions from the start.

If you care for this person but can’t be happy with an unspoken commitment or casual “situationship” you are better off ending it before you create unnecessary animosity. Allow them the time to work on their commitment issues while opening yourself up to new experiences. You may come together at a later time when they are more stable. You may find what you’re looking for with someone else. Either way, you will both be better off.

If you do decide to stick it out with them, make certain that your intentions are pure and that you’ll be fulfilled by the level of commitment that your partner is willing to give. Happiness, for both of you, should be the goal.

Four Signs That He’s In Love With You

We all want romance, compliments, and good morning texts but are these things signs that a man loves you? Not according to men. A recent poll in Mens’ Health suggests that men do these things to capture a womans’ attention even before they commit to a relationship. So, how do you know if a man truly loves you? Here are four tell-tale signs that he’s in love.

He makes you a priority

When a man is in love he will be there for you even when it’s inconvenient for him. He will listen to your problems and will want to help you solve them. He considers your feelings; your wants and your needs before making decisions that could affect your relationship.

He supports your goals and dreams

Even when you doubt yourself, he is championing your success. He is proud of your accomplishments and believes that you can do anything you set your mind to.

He asks you for advice

He asks your opinion because he values it. He trusts that you won’t lead him down the wrong path and that you have his best interest in mind. He wants to make decisions that are good for both of you and he wants you to be proud of him.

He will be vulnerable with you

This is a big one. A lot of men fear being seen as weak or sensitive so they hide their more vulnerable side until they feel safe. If he opens up about his trauma and his fears, he has placed his trust in you as a partner. He’ll also show vulnerability in the relationship by expressing his feelings about you and his desire to build a future with you in it.

Dating a Man with Low Self-Esteem

The number of men suffering from self-esteem issues might surprise you. This is due, in part, to the male tendency to mask “signs of weakness” for fear of looking less masculine and because men with low self-esteem tend to behave differently from their female counterparts. It’s true that women more frequently suffer from self-esteem issues than men and that self-esteem increases with age after adolescence but childhood trauma and abuse, school-age bullying, social media-driven body image issues and, even the current pandemic have led to more and more men reporting issues with confidence and self-esteem. In one recent study, 58% of the men polled showed signs of low self-esteem.

Dating a man with low self-esteem is a journey through very rough terrain. As one relationship specialist described it; “A man can’t love you more than he hates himself,” and, as much as we’d like to fix him, we can’t. Only he can take the steps necessary to improve his self-image. For some men, the first step; admitting the problem, is something they just aren’t comfortable doing.

What are the signs of low self-esteem in men?

A man with low self-esteem may appear to have an inflated ego. He describes himself as superior to others and needs to be the alpha male. He boasts about his every achievement and frequently describes himself as unique, special, and possessing talents that other men just don’t have. This posturing is a form of self-protection.

Men with self-esteem issues often develop obsessive-compulsive disorder, (OCD) because they suffer from anxiety and distress. He will engage in compulsive and repetitive behavior.

He likely suffers from psychological escapism. When things get uncomfortable, he disconnects from them mentally. This trait combined with his tendency toward OCD often leads to addiction.

Dating him may feel like dating a child. He wants to be pampered, fed and provided with all of your attention when you’re together and may throw a tantrum if he isn’t the center of your universe.

He likes to play the victim card. When things go wrong in his life he turns to self-pity saying things like, “Why does this always happen to me?”, “Why am I so unlucky,” etc…

He is likely to have difficulty committing to a relationship. His need for external validation is too great for one person to fill. He may also feel unworthy of your love and avoid committing for fear of being hurt.

Though he will expect to have your complete attention and act jealous and insecure about your relationships with others, he will likely have a wandering eye and will flirt with other women. He has a need to seek attention from other women as a means of validation and the more, the better because external validation is a weak substitute for self-love and can only temporarily fill the void.

If you’re dating a man with low self-esteem, it’s important to understand that you can’t fix him. You can offer realistic compliments and reassure him but you won’t convince him that he’s good enough. He will need to come to terms with his problem and work through the root cause. This generally requires some form of professional counseling.