Stop playing games to win a man

There’s a lot of talk on the internet concerning whether or not women should chase men. Most sources tell you that chasing a man makes you look desperate and can bruise your ego if the chase doesn’t end in capturing his affection. Some sources add that chasing is biologically programmed in men and that they like hunting down and winning their prized partner and when the woman becomes the pursuer, her value drops and she is no longer worth winning to him.

Sure, there is some truth to the concept that men like to pursue women, but most men also enjoy it when a woman reaches out to let him know that she’s thinking of him. In the vastly confusing world of dating, it seems that women are being told to turn “the chase” into a well-orchestrated cat and mouse game. They’re told to count his calls and only answer after he’s called two or three times. They’re told to wait before answering texts and to never text first. If this seems a bit manipulative and deceitful, it’s because it is.

Be authentic

The first step to building a relationship is to be clear on your feelings and expectations. The other person deserves to know how you feel about them and what you’re looking for. If you’re truthful from the start and he stops reaching out or responding, you have your answer. He isn’t looking for the same things from you, at least, for right now.

If you want to send a text or make a call, do it. You don’t have to wait for him to make the first move. If he responds great. If not, pull back. He may be busy or he may not be interested.

Think of a text conversation as if it were happening face to face. If you speak to someone and they don’t reply, you don’t just keep talking so don’t keep texting. If he answers, great. If not, consider yourself ghosted and move on.

Avoid gameplay

Life would be so much easier if there was a magic formula for meeting someone and making them fall in love with you. Sadly, there isn’t and as more women start following the advice they see on social media, more men become aware of the signs of gameplay. Just as we figured out fuck boy language, men are figuring out the ways that women manipulate.

What you want is commitment and that comes from honest connection. If you’re using subversive tactics to win a man, when do you stop and become your true self? Gameplay is exhausting because the cycle never ends. Once you have his attention, you modify the game to keep his attention. Before you know it, you’re playing games to keep him faithful because you can’t be certain what his true intentions are. You never allowed him an opportunity to show you.

Listen

If you listen with the intent to understand, you’ll have a pretty good idea of where your relationship is going. Too often we take what men say and try to interpret it like it’s a foreign language. If he tells us that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship we tell ourselves that he’s been hurt and we need to prove that we’re different and worthy of his commitment when the correct thing to do is to take his words at face value.

Express your truth

If the man you’re interested in doesn’t share your values or feelings, tell him. Let him know that you’re not on the same page. Chances are he won’t change his mind for you and that’s okay. That’s when you value yourself enough to move on.

Be empowered

There’s an amazing sense of confidence that comes from living your authentic truth. Having solid boundaries and upholding your values is an empowering stance that high-value men find very attractive. Choosing to not play games may limit the number of players on your field but the quality of those players will increase exponentially.

The best way to attract an honest, confident, strong man will always be to be an honest, confident, strong woman

Original Post: https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/stop-playing-games-to-win-a-man-1f9df726557b

The lost art of phone sex

This article isn’t about those naughty nine-hundred numbers for ninety-nine cents per minute. This is about flirty to filthy phone banter with a partner or, perspective partner. It’s about those conversations that happen when two people are separated for a time and simply want to turn each other on.

What happened to phone sex?

I call it a lost art because the internet came along and, for many couples, this form of bonding became obsolete. Why call when you can Snap or FaceTime, right? While pictures and video calls can be hot, they leave nothing to the imagination and that’s what phone sex was all about; fantasy and imagination. We’ve become a society driven by immediate gratification and the desire to see more.

What’s so great about phone sex?

There’s something to be said about hearing the longing in your lovers’ voice and knowing that when they close their eyes, they see themselves doing unspeakable things to you. For those who are a bit modest about showing their bodies online, telling instead puts them in a more comfortable space allowing them to express their desires more openly.

I would be remiss not to mention the permanence and potential risk of exposure that comes from sending nudes, explicit video content, or even racy text messages. Phone sex generally ends when the call is ended leaving far less risk that anyone other than your partner will know about your interlude.

When you’re getting comfortable with your partner and need to spice things up, phone sex can be a welcome novelty. Whether you’re in a long distance relationship or simply separated for a day or two, phone sex can keep the intimacy continuous despite being apart.

How to keep it from being awkward

Talking dirty is a definite step outside of many peoples’ comfort zones but expressing your fantasies in a way that excites your partner can be easy.

If you’re certain that your partner will be a willing participant, just go for it but if there’s any doubt, discuss it and get their consent.

You may want to start by sending teaser texts during the day. Something like, “I’ve been thinking about you naked,” or “I can’t wait to tell you about the sexy dream I had about you.”

To prepare, you might read an erotic novel or watch a little porn to get the imagination flowing. Then, dress sexy and ready the area where you’ll be making the call. It’s easier to describe your outfit and the scene if it’s real. For example, “I’m wearing a red teddy,” or “You lay me down on the satin sheets,”.

You don’t have to jump right in with the dirty talk. Sometimes, it’s better to ease into it. Discuss your day and tell your partner how many times you thought about them. Then, when you’re both at ease, lay out your fantasy.

Keep in mind that in most cases you’ll be having a two way dialogue as your partner seeks the details that will make them the most excited. If you are the more submissive partner, you might find that your lover takes control of the conversation leaving you to simply describe how they make you feel.

Remember that the more descriptive you are, the better. You’re relying on your words to paint a picture in your partners’ head.

Listen to your partners’ words and breathing. This is the best way to know if you’re hitting the right buttons and remember to respond. Your partner will be relying on your words, moans, and heavy breathing, too.

Don’t be afraid to pleasure yourself

That is, after all, the point. If you fake it, they’ll probably know.

Original post: https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/the-lost-art-of-phone-sex-118e051c0c3

The Power of a Kiss

There is no doubt that kissing is an expression of love. It doesn’t matter if it’s a peck on the cheek between friends or a passionate tongue twister that lasts several minutes.. It is the best way to connect with someone both mentally and emotionally on a deep level.

The Connection

Kissing demonstrates a willingness to bring someone into your personal space. It signifies acceptance of another and that in itself is a powerful message. Depending on the type of kiss, we can express a desire for physical intimacy or other emotions like joy, thankfulness, empathy, or sympathy. A mother’s kiss can soothe a crying child while an “aggressive kiss” born of sheer passion and animal lust can knock us off our feet and send us to the heights of ecstasy.

The Physical

Kissing activates the brain’s reward system. The act results in the release of the feel-good hormones oxytocin and the bonding hormone vasopressin. It also releases endogenous opioids and dopamine. These hormones reduce stress and facilitate healing. Kissing also activates adrenaline and noradrenaline which make you more alert and responsive.

Romantic Kissing

In a relationship, kissing builds bonds, creates and demonstrates trust, and increases intimacy. Kissing in the early stages of a relationship can help to determine compatibility.

If you’re just getting involved with someone and want to move the relationship along, kissing your partner frequently and consistently will keep the vasopressin flowing causing each of you to form a tighter bond.

If you’re already in a committed relationship ask yourself, “When was the last time I kissed my partner passionately without it leading to sex?”

You might be surprised to learn that a passionate kiss goodbye in the morning can have an overwhelmingly positive effect on your partner’s day. Who wouldn’t want to start their day filled with feel-good, stress-relieving hormones?

That passionate good morning kiss tells your partner that you are in love with them and will cause them to think of you more frequently when you’re apart. It can leave them feeling more confident and tremendously boost their self-esteem.

When Someone Doesn’t Like Kissing

Some people are turned off by the idea of kissing. Others may just not want to be kissed by you. If your partner is always cutting your kisses short, kissing you on the cheek, or avoiding lip contact all together, you need to find out why.

For some, kissing doesn’t have the kind of pair-bonding significance that it does for others and still, other people consider kissing gross or unsanitary. If you are a kisser and your partner isn’t, you may need to find other ways to physically bond like hand holding or hugging.

Some people consider kissing more intimate than sex and only kiss people whom they are certain will be around for the long haul. In this case, kissing or the lack of mouth-to-mouth contact will let you know where you stand in the relationship.

**This content originally posted at https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/the-power-of-a-kiss-a622a67b170d

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

But You Can Get Through It

Breakups happen. When we’re lucky we experience clean breaks where both partners agree that things aren’t working and part ways amicably. Unfortunately, clean breaks don’t happen as often as we’d like and someone is left devastated by the loss of what they thought was true love.

Being dumped is difficult. We experience a range of emotions from sadness to anger and perhaps a little desperation as we hope our partner will change their mind and come running back to us. Getting back on our feet takes time of course but following the advice of relationship experts might just speed up the process so that we can get on with our lives and be happy again.

Grieve and Process but don’t Dwell

It’s perfectly natural to mourn the death of a relationship. You’ve invested your time and emotions into developing an attachment to another person. You’ve bared your soul and shared your most intimate parts with them. The world sees you as a couple and now you have to face that world alone. Let the tears flow as you reminisce about the good times and process the fact that it’s over but once you’ve had that good cry find something productive to do. Get up, get out and have a day where you don’t mention your ex to anyone. The quicker you begin developing new routines, the easier things will get.

Don’t Look for Excuses to Reach Out to Your Ex

If they’ve left something behind, mail it to them. If they took something of yours, shoot them an email requesting that they ship it back or give it to a friend. There is no reason to initiate direct contact. If you have children together or mutual property to deal with, it’s best to wait until you’re emotionally calm and in a good frame of mind.

Take Better Care of Yourself

Get your hair done or have a spa day. Develop a workout routine and get active. Improve your diet and get more sleep. Even something as simple as changing your makeup or updating your wardrobe might add a boost of confidence and help you to get back on your feet.

Tell Your Friends and Family

It’s okay to rely on your support system. It’s even better If you have someone to call when the urge strikes you to reach out to your ex. Let them know that your relationship has ended and put your feelings on the table but also ask them to help you by telling you to look forward and not back when you need reminding.

Try Something New

Step away from your old routine and take on a new challenge. There’s nothing better for the healing process than coming out of your comfort zone and finding new things to get excited about.

Take a Step Away From Social Media

There’s no pill more bitter after a breakup than seeing happy couples on your timeline. Stepping away will also prevent you from becoming consumed with stalking your ex to see if they’ve moved on. When you’re ready to return, purge your pictures and quietly change your relationship status. For those who are deeply invested in social media, this step feels like closure.

Change Your Future Plan

You likely thought your relationship would last and changed your future plans to include your ex. It’s time to modify those plans and set goals for yourself, alone. You no longer have to compromise. The sky is the limit. Get excited about the next phase of your journey!

Start Dating

When you’re ready, consider what you want in your next relationship and begin dating again. Join an online dating site and take time to seek out the type of man or woman that you’re looking for. It may not be the best time to commit to something serious but seeing what’s out there can be just as fun and exciting.

The Red Flags of Social Media

Social media red flags span the gamut from huge to almost trivial and likely depend a lot on your partners age. The younger the man, the larger the role social media plays in his life. The red flags are different at different stages in the relationship as well. A little predate spying may uncover red flags that cause you to call of your first meeting while a change in social media behavior during a committed relationship may be a sign that your partner is unfaithful. Whatever the case, you have boundaries for the way your partner behaves in public. The same should be true for how he behaves on social media..

He values his single status more than he values you

If you are in a committed relationship with a man, he should want the world to know about it. Heck, he should love you so much that he wants to brag about it because he feels lucky to have you. If he drags his feet about changing his relationship status on social media or comes up with excuses why he won’t do it, he is probably trying to keep his side chicks or potentials from knowing about you. If he changes his status to “In a relationship” but doesn’t tag you, he doesn’t want people to know who you are. This may be because he feels like he could do better than you or because he fears that women that he has wronged will reach out to you. Either way, red flag!

The same is true if he never posts about you or pictures of you. You tag him in a photo of you together and sometime later he removes the tag or archives the post.. He’s not that private, he’s hiding something.

He’s never deleted the public pictures of himself with his exes

These photos are his bragging rights. He’s saying, scroll through my photos and see what I can bag. If these were simply fond memories, he’d keep them on his phone or on a hard drive. He’s keeping them public so other people see them and that’s disrespectful. As women, we know that when we break up with a guy, we delete their photos from our social media. Normal men do, too.

He picks fights on social media or flaunts his good deeds all the time

You know the guy who is always up in someone’s comments flexing his imaginary muscles? This guy either has anger issues or an intense need for social acceptance. Both of these traits are toxic.

Is he a good guy because it’s his nature or does he do good things for social status points? If he has to pose for a selfie with the homeless man before he gives him his spare change, he has issues.

He wants you to text via Snapchat

There are two possible reasons he wants to only communicate on Snapchat. One is the lack of permanence allows for fewer inhibitions. You may be more likely to sext or send nudes if you know they’ll disappear in 24 hours. The other possibility is that he’s seeing someone else and worries that they’ll check his phone. Snaps disappear within seconds so his other significant other is less likely to catch him in the act.

He’s always online

When a man, or woman, is always online, they aren’t present in the real world. Social media addiction is real and those who suffer from it rarely have real hobbies or interests. Who wants to date someone like that?

He follows a lot of sexually explicit accounts

You may be thinking, “Hey, he was single when he added those.”, but is he still liking the photos or commenting on the posts?

The same girls keep liking and commenting on his pictures and posts

Huge red flag! While he can’t control who interacts with his social media, if he isn’t reciprocating in some way, most women will simply stop and move on. If they keep coming back, you can be sure that he’s throwing them a bone!

Another woman is commenting intimately on his posts

Perhaps she eludes to the fact that she may have been the one who took that picture he posted of himself in the bar, or worse, in his bed. In my case, a girl used language like, “I’m proud of you,” and “I love you.” When I questioned it, he replied, “I don’t know why she’s like that” Later, I stumbled upon the nudes that they were sending each other on his phone.

He’s reacting to other girls’ pictures

This one is huge! If he’s heart reacting a female friends graduation photo or birthday celebration or leaving a cry emoji when her dog dies, that is probably acceptable. If he’s doing the same to her selfies, particularly the scantily clad selfies, he’s a dog. Let him go.

More red flags

He goes dark to hide when he’s online from you. He has to approve anything you post on his timeline before it becomes public. The number of likes on his posts don’t match the number of profiles you see when you click to see who is liking his stuff. When this happens, someone has intentionally blocked you from seeing their activity. He was big on Facebook when you met but now he only uses Snapchat so you can’t see his interactions. You can see that he’s online but he doesn’t read your messages. He shields his phone from you when he’s reading his messages or looking at timelines on apps like Instagram where only he can see posts from those he follows. He has reconnected with an ex as “friends”. He has thousands of friends and the majority of them are female. And, finally, he paused but didn’t delete his Tinder account.

Tune in tomorrow for “How to Translate Fuckboy” and let me know if you like this red flag series.

Tomi

Red Flags

Relationship Warning Signs for Modern Dating

Is that a Cape or a Giant Red Flag?

What is a red flag? According to dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree, a red flag can be defined as “something your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity or interest towards the relationship”. Over time, we’ve broadened the definition to include personality traits and behaviors that indicate that someone would not make a good partner, like, lack of drive, addictive qualities, and a history of commitment issues.

By now, we’re all pretty familiar with the existence of red flags. But, sadly, we’re also adept at overlooking or ignoring them.

As a romance author, I have researched and written about all kinds of relationships and one thing that stands out to me is that, no matter the decade, romance books about bad boys are always on the best seller lists. What is it about the bad boy that we find so irresistible? We claim to want loving, loyal, responsible men, but our knees get weak when we fantasize about the rude, crude loner who treats women like toys.

Whatever the draw of the bad boy, it could be our desire to change him that causes us to dismiss so many red flags when we see them.

What about the guy who seems perfect in the beginning? You’ve used your natural gifts as a woman to stalk him better than an NSA agent. His apartment is tidy, his dog is fed, there is an actual bed frame under his mattress and the food in his refrigerator did not expire last year. Do we become complacent in his perfection and blind to the red flags when they appear? Maybe, or maybe because women invest emotionally so quickly, we make ourselves believe that we can love the red flags right out of him because we don’t want to admit that our time and investment were wasted.

Now, I don’t want to come off as man shaming. As women, we have some red flags, too. Some of us are too needy, some of us have trust issues, some of us are narcissistic; the list goes on. Because we are all imperfect creatures, it is important to know when red flags are real and when we invent them as excuses to disconnect from someone. Sometimes, it’s our red flags that do us in. Our own insecurities and tendency to overthink can have us accusing men of all sorts of horrid things when in actuality, they really did just fall asleep on the couch or get too busy at work to answer your text.

The world can be crazy and, believe me, as a single “cougar” aged woman, I know there’s a lot of pee in the dating pool.

I’ve asked a question to myself, and my girlfriends, more than a handful of times; “Is this a problem, or am I overreacting?” I believe most of us have. If you’ve ever had to question your own sanity because of his audacity, this journey is for you!

I’ll be back with part one of my Red Flag Ramblings soon! Stay tuned!

Tomi