A controversial take on older women and younger men

I recently saw a video on Tiktok where the male creator gave his opinion, (stated as fact, of course) on younger men dating older women. His video was an obvious attempt to shun women who date younger as he stated that he knew the “Karen’s” were going to flood his comments and that he was excited by the idea of shutting them down.

While this guy seems to be a jerk of epic proportion, I have to say that there is some truth to his opinion. Even a broken man can be right every now and then.

The basics

  • Younger men will gravitate to older women because there is no fear of commitment
  • Older women will never have a fulfilling relationship with a younger man
  • These relationships will never end in marriage
  • An older woman will always be nothing more than a teacher who trains a younger man to be a better partner to his forever woman
  • Younger men who date older are rarely high-value men. They are toxic, insecure, and financially unstable
  • High-value men date women their age or younger
  • Younger men who date older are looking for better sex, emotional support, and  financial support
  • Older women are being  used by younger men and will always end up hurt and alone

As I said, there is some truth to his statements, but a recent study confirmed that sixty percent of younger men of any age will be attracted to older, more mature women and more than one in ten marriages in America is comprised of an older woman and younger man so looking at the larger picture his logic falls short.

Yes, there are young men who will prey on an unsuspecting older woman but there are also men who will prey on younger women. Toxic is toxic regardless of the age gap.

What this Tiktocker fails to realize is that many older women date younger men because they aren’t interested in marriage or traditional relationship roles. Many of these women have been married and raised families and are post-divorce. They have come into a new phase of life in which they are independent, self-sufficient, confident, and secure. They want a partner for intimacy and companionship. They want someone with energy and enthusiasm to help them find themselves again.

These women don’t want someone to move in and make a home with. They don’t want to have to compromise on paint colors or the firmness of the mattress. They’ve done that already. They don’t want to share financial decisions and pool their money because they value their independence.

Whether these relationships turn out to be the love of a lifetime or a fond memory is no less dependent on the desires of the individuals than in any other type of relationship and, hopefully, each will be honest about their intentions.

As we shift into a world where non-traditional relationships are on the rise, it may be best not to judge the entirety of a dating preference on the negative outcomes of a few.

Four Signs That He’s In Love With You

We all want romance, compliments, and good morning texts but are these things signs that a man loves you? Not according to men. A recent poll in Mens’ Health suggests that men do these things to capture a womans’ attention even before they commit to a relationship. So, how do you know if a man truly loves you? Here are four tell-tale signs that he’s in love.

He makes you a priority

When a man is in love he will be there for you even when it’s inconvenient for him. He will listen to your problems and will want to help you solve them. He considers your feelings; your wants and your needs before making decisions that could affect your relationship.

He supports your goals and dreams

Even when you doubt yourself, he is championing your success. He is proud of your accomplishments and believes that you can do anything you set your mind to.

He asks you for advice

He asks your opinion because he values it. He trusts that you won’t lead him down the wrong path and that you have his best interest in mind. He wants to make decisions that are good for both of you and he wants you to be proud of him.

He will be vulnerable with you

This is a big one. A lot of men fear being seen as weak or sensitive so they hide their more vulnerable side until they feel safe. If he opens up about his trauma and his fears, he has placed his trust in you as a partner. He’ll also show vulnerability in the relationship by expressing his feelings about you and his desire to build a future with you in it.

The Exes and Oh’s

You’re getting to know a guy and, naturally, you’re curious about his relationship history. When I was younger, I didn’t think this was very important. Call it naïve but I was one to take things at face value. I thought that knowing about his exes would just lead to me comparing myself to them or obsessing over how many sexual partners he had. Yes, I can be a bit possessive and jealous at times. It wasn’t until I acquired some experience with the opposite sex that I realized how many red flags can be uncovered simply by asking a person about their past relationships. Here are a few that stand out.

He has a grocery list of exes and never had a long term relationship

If you question this, he will probably say, “I just haven’t found the right one yet,” followed by a sheepish grin and a playful poke but is that really it? You would think that at least one would have stuck for a while, right?

The most common reason a person has a string of short term relationships is that they either fear or look unfavorably upon commitment. They like companionship and exclusive access to a lover, but they aren’t interested in investing in anyone for the long term. They are either secure enough to know that they can find someone new when the ether wears off and the relationship is no longer fun and easy or too insecure to invest themselves deeply enough to risk being hurt.

I know a man who told me that he has never loved any of his romantic partners. Not even the ones that he cohabitated with. He said that he dated people who were just easy to date and didn’t require a lot of effort on his part. That way, when it was time to walk away, he could just cut things off and move on with no regrets or second thoughts. He has never had a relationship last longer than seven months with the noted exception of his first relationship.

One day, I decided to ask him about his first love and his tone and demeanor instantly changed. It was easy to see that he had loved this girl completely. He put her on a pedestal and gave her everything he had to offer both emotionally and materially. What happened? She broke his heart and, subsequently changed his perspective on relationships. Now, I know, we’ve all had our share of heartbreak, but for him, this first experience tainted the way he looked at relationships for the next ten years of his life. He was not willing to endure that kind of pain again but he didn’t want to be lonely either. So, when he felt like he wanted someone in his life, he sought out what I call disposable partners. They never knew that he considered them disposable. They’d settle in together and he would watch for their flaws. Not because he wanted to have dialogue about them, but because he wanted to make a mental note of them so that when the flaws outweighed the fun, he could pack it in.

I imagine these women waking up in the morning to find that the man that they went to sleep with was just gone. He would block their numbers, block them on social media and just disappear. They would be left to wonder what went wrong and never get any closure.

You are probably thinking that this guy is a real ass and from a relationship perspective, you’d be right but what about these women? They would have been able to see his lack of dedication to their relationship if they’d only asked a few questions. They failed to protect themselves because they made assumptions instead of seeking truth.

Asking a man who fears commitment about the future can close him off fast. A man who dislikes commitment may gas light when confronted with questions like, “Where do you see this going?” or, “Do we have a future together?” You need to find the truth the way a detective elicits a confession.

First, listen to what he talks about and how he responds to you. A man who is only in this for now will not connect deeply with you. Your conversations will mostly be light hearted and casual. He won’t sit down to share his deepest secrets, fears, and longings. You’ll tell yourself that women are just more emotional than men or that he’s the strong silent type, but this lack of desire to connect with you is a giant red flag.

When you talk about your own fears, heartbreaks, and dreams, he may offer words of encouragement or empathy but how quickly does he try to redirect the conversation? How well does he retain what you’ve told him?

When he talks about his goals and future plans, do they ever include you? When you ask serious questions or try to make plans, do you get half-answers or no answer at all?

If you want to know how committed a man is, talk to him about summer plans in the dead of winter. If he breaks a sweat just thinking about it, you may have a problem.

All of his exes were crazy. (According to him)

Never trust a guy who calls all of his exes crazy. Crazy is just a catch-all phrase that guys use to discount women. Calling them crazy is just a way of writing off the relationship without taking any blame. Men like to label women as crazy when they react to things in ways that they don’t like. When a woman calls a man out for lying or flirting with other women, she’s possessive crazy. When she gets upset because he continually breaks commitments and cancels plans, she’s needy crazy. If he’s a big enough jerk, she’s labeled as all kinds of crazy and it’s very likely that every woman who he refers to as crazy is referring to him as a big loser.

When he tells you they’re crazy he is only giving you the convenient parts of the story. The parts where he is the victim. They call their exes crazy but never say what they did to bring out the crazy.

While he’s cutting them down, he’s telling you a lot about his character. If he can’t speak respectfully about the women who have been in his life, he isn’t a man who respects women and, one day, he’ll label you as crazy, too.

I was casually involved with a man who I’d known on a friendly basis for many years. Because we’d known each other for so long, we shared parts of our social circle. One day, one of his exes reached out to me and told me that I should be careful because while we were seeing each other, he was also trying to renew his relationship with her. After I read the message I asked him, “What would you do if you were casually seeing someone and their ex contacted you and told you that they were also seeing your partner?” He replied, “I’d consider the source. She’s probably crazy.” To which I replied, “You realize that by calling the ex “she” you just made yourself the person who is being accused when I asked you what you would do if your partners ex accused them, right?” He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I didn’t need any more proof. The “crazy ex” was the one who was being truthful.

I’ve started talking to my ex again but she’s just a friend. I’d never want a relationship with her again

World population – 7,874,965,825

Percentage of the world population that is female – 49.6%

You may not want to hear this, but with that many people in the world, if he needs a friend and choses an ex, and she agrees to be his friend, they are going to sleep together.

Maybe you’re saying, “Oh, Tomi, you’re being insecure. They might not sleep together. It may just be that they have a bond and he trusts her.”

Okay, if you’re willing to date a man who seeks emotional connection from other women, go for it. If you aren’t troubled by the idea that he is so bonded to a former lover that he would turn to her to talk about, oh, I don’t know, you? Rock on with your bad self. I don’t want it!

Ask Google why men want to be friends with women after a break up and this is the most common answer:

The reasons why he wants to be friends after dumping you are to soften the blow of ending the relationship, finding comfort knowing you’re still in his life when he experiences uncomfortable feelings and to keep you as an option. In some situations, he wants to be friends after dumping you out of guilt.

Raise your hand if any of that sounds appealing to you.

He has a string of committed relationships and has never been ‘single’

He might be a serial monogamist. A serial monogamist feels most comfortable in committed relationships. They have a series of monogamous relationships and don’t take breaks between relationships to be single or to casually date.

You may think a serial monogamist is a good guy to have. After all, they like commitment which may seem refreshing in a world full of fuck boys but serial monogamists are no more ready to settle down with you than the fuck boys are. They offer you monogamy with a limited life expectancy and aren’t likely to make good partners.

What are the red flags of the serial monogamist?

They’ve never been married or engaged but have a history of long term relationships that went nowhere. They lack independence often living with their family or several roommates. They show no interest in meeting your family even though you spend all of your time together. They have no interest at all in your romantic past. This is because they’re on a superficial ride and are only concerned about right now. All of their goals are career oriented. They never talk about future plans as it relates to marriage, children, or their personal interests. They don’t care about your personal opinions. Your religion, politics, family values…none of these things interest them. They get caught up in the moment. They are spontaneous, passionate, and intense but if that intensity fades, they will tire of you and move on.

If you like this red flag revelation, tune in tomorrow for part three!