Tag: red flags

How to Translate Fuck Boy

I used to wonder how any man could think that using the same lines from the Fuck Boy dictionary over and over with different women could possibly work, Then, I realized, they believe it will work because it does! It’s liken to those parents who hear the same ridiculous excuses from their children, over and over, and still choose to believe that little Johnny is telling the truth. It’s not that we’re  stupid or naïve. It’s that we choose to believe the bullshit that they sling at us. Yet, when he turns out to be nothing more than a fuck boy, we’re heartbroken and surprised. We say things like, “Why are all men dogs?” but we fail to realize that we blind ourselves to all of the warning signs. We think we can change them. The problem is, no one can be motivated to change when they are getting exactly what they want by staying the same. You can’t earn his respect by loving him more, or better, than the other women. You can’t reward his inattentiveness and failure to commit with more attention and expect him to value you. That’s just not how it works.  While some men are genuinely looking for a relationship, others are simply looking to score something for the short term, Sex, money, emotional support, or an ego boost may be his driving force and the more you give him these things, the more he’ll play the game.

I’ll Take Things a Fuck Boy Says for $500, Alex

In the early stages, he says things like, “I don’t like talking on the phone, what’s your (insert social media here) screen name. This is generally because he is having the same conversation with several women and can’t talk to all of them at once.

He may also make plans and then break them because he’s too busy at work or forgot he had plans with his family. This is because he was working someone that he’s more attracted to and hoping that he’ll score. If he doesn’t score, you’ll get the after 2 am “WYD?” text. This translates to “I’m home alone and horny so I guess it’s your turn.”

You’ll find yourself sending messages that go unread for days even though he is always online. When he does answer, he’ll tell you he was busy at work and, miraculously, his phone is never charged.

Once you’ve had sex with the fuck boy, he wants to be a stay at home guy. Instead of going on dates, he tells you he wants you all to himself. You’ll eat a lot of take out and watch movies and you’ll have a lot of sex because that’s why they put the “fuck” in fuck boy. He also doesn’t want his friends to meet you and he certainly doesn’t want to meet yours.

In general, fuck boys are low quality players. They lie and manipulate to get what they want and they are smart enough to realize that if they stay too long they will get caught.

 Sometimes, we get stuck with a fuck boy who sucks at it. When this happens, we can end up spending months or even years in a non-committed, one sided situationship. It’s not because he wants to be with us, per se, it’s just that his game isn’t strong enough to allow him to find another victim.

This is when we hear things like, “I’m afraid to move to the next level with you because I love you and don’t want to lose you by screwing things up.” There’s also the famous, “We have a good thing, why does it need a label?” And my favorite, “I (or you) have trust issues that need to be worked on before we can plan a future together.”

I hope you enjoyed the Red Flag Series. Let me know if you want to see more!

Tomi

Red Flags

Relationship Warning Signs for Modern Dating

Is that a Cape or a Giant Red Flag?

What is a red flag? According to dating psychologist Madeleine Mason Roantree, a red flag can be defined as “something your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity or interest towards the relationship”. Over time, we’ve broadened the definition to include personality traits and behaviors that indicate that someone would not make a good partner, like, lack of drive, addictive qualities, and a history of commitment issues.

By now, we’re all pretty familiar with the existence of red flags. But, sadly, we’re also adept at overlooking or ignoring them.

As a romance author, I have researched and written about all kinds of relationships and one thing that stands out to me is that, no matter the decade, romance books about bad boys are always on the best seller lists. What is it about the bad boy that we find so irresistible? We claim to want loving, loyal, responsible men, but our knees get weak when we fantasize about the rude, crude loner who treats women like toys.

Whatever the draw of the bad boy, it could be our desire to change him that causes us to dismiss so many red flags when we see them.

What about the guy who seems perfect in the beginning? You’ve used your natural gifts as a woman to stalk him better than an NSA agent. His apartment is tidy, his dog is fed, there is an actual bed frame under his mattress and the food in his refrigerator did not expire last year. Do we become complacent in his perfection and blind to the red flags when they appear? Maybe, or maybe because women invest emotionally so quickly, we make ourselves believe that we can love the red flags right out of him because we don’t want to admit that our time and investment were wasted.   

Now, I don’t want to come off as man shaming. As women, we have some red flags, too. Some of us are too needy, some of us have trust issues, some of us are narcissistic; the list goes on. Because we are all imperfect creatures, it is important to know when red flags are real and when we invent them as excuses to disconnect from someone. Sometimes, it’s our red flags that do us in. Our own insecurities and tendency to overthink can have us accusing men of all sorts of horrid things when in actuality, they really did just fall asleep on the couch or get too busy at work to answer your text.

The world can be crazy and, believe me, as a single “cougar” aged woman, I know there’s a lot of pee in the dating pool.

I’ve asked a question to myself, and my girlfriends, more than a handful of times; “Is this a problem, or am I overreacting?” I believe most of us have. If you’ve ever had to question your own sanity because of his audacity, this journey is for you!

I’ll be back with part one of my Red Flag Ramblings soon! Stay tuned!

Tomi