I recently saw a video on Tiktok where the male creator gave his opinion, (stated as fact, of course) on younger men dating older women. His video was an obvious attempt to shun women who date younger as he stated that he knew the “Karen’s” were going to flood his comments and that he was excited by the idea of shutting them down.
While this guy seems to be a jerk of epic proportion, I have to say that there is some truth to his opinion. Even a broken man can be right every now and then.
Younger men will gravitate to older women because there is no fear of commitment
Older women will never have a fulfilling relationship with a younger man
These relationships will never end in marriage
An older woman will always be nothing more than a teacher who trains a younger man to be a better partner to his forever woman
Younger men who date older are rarely high-value men. They are toxic, insecure, and financially unstable
High-value men date women their age or younger
Younger men who date older are looking for better sex, emotional support, and financial support
Older women are being used by younger men and will always end up hurt and alone
As I said, there is some truth to his statements, but a recent study confirmed that sixty percent of younger men of any age will be attracted to older, more mature women and more than one in ten marriages in America is comprised of an older woman and younger man so looking at the larger picture his logic falls short.
Yes, there are young men who will prey on an unsuspecting older woman but there are also men who will prey on younger women. Toxic is toxic regardless of the age gap.
What this Tiktocker fails to realize is that many older women date younger men because they aren’t interested in marriage or traditional relationship roles. Many of these women have been married and raised families and are post-divorce. They have come into a new phase of life in which they are independent, self-sufficient, confident, and secure. They want a partner for intimacy and companionship. They want someone with energy and enthusiasm to help them find themselves again.
These women don’t want someone to move in and make a home with. They don’t want to have to compromise on paint colors or the firmness of the mattress. They’ve done that already. They don’t want to share financial decisions and pool their money because they value their independence.
Whether these relationships turn out to be the love of a lifetime or a fond memory is no less dependent on the desires of the individuals than in any other type of relationship and, hopefully, each will be honest about their intentions.
As we shift into a world where non-traditional relationships are on the rise, it may be best not to judge the entirety of a dating preference on the negative outcomes of a few.
Older men with younger women somehow seems natural in our society. Men seeking sexy, young, trophy wives and secretly high fiving each other when they catch one. Socially acceptable? That’s debatable. While it seems to be more of a cultural norm than older women with younger men, there are still all those negative cliches and stereotypes that come with this relationship; dirty old man, gold digger, daddy issues, mid-life crisis affair, the list goes on and on. Biologically, there are some explanations for a mans’ attraction to a younger woman. It’s our biological imperative to multiply and younger women are more likely to be fertile and successfully carry and deliver off-spring. But, let’s face it, most relationships aren’t consciously driven by the biological imperative to breed. They are about attraction and, frankly, no one has the right to dictate who another person should be attracted to, (as long as it’s legal!).F
What about older women and younger men?
Let me get personal for a moment – I’ve been married twice. Once to a man my own age and once to a man more than a decade my senior. I was attracted to different things in each of these relationships. When I married my first husband we were both inexperienced in everything. We learned how to navigate adulthood together as equals. It was stressful and bewildering at times but we loved each other and had a great deal of things in common to keep us grounded. Sadly, my first husband and love of my young life was killed while we were in our twenties.
My second marriage was to a man who was my superior at work. He was older and more experienced and had a nurturing tendency that made me feel safe at a time in my life when I felt all alone. I was a newly widowed mother and needed someone to anchor me before I floated away in a cloud of sorrow, fear, and self-doubt. My older man did this for me but our relationship ended when I found my own legs and became independent. He wasn’t capable of allowing me to grow into my own identity so we split.
By the time my second marriage ended, I was a successful professional at a media company. My identity was defined by my tough but fair, logical approach in my dealings with my contemporaries and subordinates. When my work day ended, I went home to be a mother and a creative. The polar opposite of my hard-ass corporate persona. For a long time, I didn’t date or socialize with anyone outside of my small group of life-long friends.
Then, it happened. I was being pursued by an incredibly attractive man at work. He was new to the company and a favorite piece of eye candy for all the girls and he was young! Fifteen years my junior. He would flirt and I would tell myself that he wasn’t really flirting. I talked myself out of the idea that he might be attracted to me. Maybe he was trying to get in good with the boss. Maybe it was just his charm. Either way, why would he want me when every girl his age was falling all over him?
As time progressed, he pursued harder. I guess he thought that I was oblivious to his advances so he moved from verbal flirtation to accidental touches and, eventually, marched up to me and said, “I’m very attracted to you. Would you like to get a drink with me?” I said yes.
Now, this isn’t a love story and it isn’t even about him. It’s an explanation of the attraction between us. So, first of all, the sex was the best I’ve ever had. He was strong and dominant. He was confident and had amazing staying power and he wasn’t afraid of experimentation. When I wanted to close my eyes and drift in to that place of ecstasy and escape, he could bring me there. When I wanted something hot and fast and wild, he could perform at that level, and when I wanted something tender and more controlled, he let me take the lead. Our love making sessions were all night main events but it wasn’t all about the sex.
I loved that I could nurture him. When he had problems, he could talk to me and I had enough life experience to give him advice. It made me feel good to see him succeed at things that he’d asked me to help him with. I couldn’t do this with either of my husbands.
Trust was a non-issue
We both knew that this relationship was not going to lead to
marriage. I spent a lot of years building a life for myself and I didn’t want
to share. I wasn’t ready to compromise with anyone when it came to my home, my
money, and my lifestyle.
He didn’t want to parent my children and we wasn’t ready to
With none of that “relationship” pressure we were free to explore a completely open and honest dynamic and in time, our feelings grew from lust to a love based on mutual respect and ten years later, though we’ve never been an official couple, we still love each other and would do anything we could for each other. And, though we don’t see each other as frequently as we once did, the sex is still pretty hot!
Though my story hasn’t ended in a traditional
relationship, I do understand how older women and younger men fall for each
It’s about being open to the idea that love and attraction
are possible in unlikely places and partners. It’s about defying the
stereotypes and giving in to your own feelings; knowing that sometimes other
people will be cruel or say things without thinking; like calling you a cougar
or asking if you and your son go out to dinner often.
When this happened to me, my new lover grabbed me and stuck
his tongue in mouth. Then, he smiled at the waitress and said, “Mom and I
are really close!” while I laughed my ass off. She gave our table to
This is not a relationship dynamic for the insecure. If you aren’t confident in yourself, you will forever be looking for judgmental glances and younger girls who want to take your man.
I suppose it’s really not any different than any other relationship. Love is love, right? And… oh, the sex? The experts were right when they determined that women reach their peak later than men do and if you’re lucky enough to come together during those peaks be prepared for fireworks!