Why spying on your partner is a bad idea

With the New Year quickly approaching we can all take stock of our past behavior and resolve ourselves to make healthy changes. If you are someone who regularly checks your partners phone, location, or social media activity, this is one behavior you might consider changing,

Based on multiple surveys conducted from 2019 through 2022 between thirty-seven and sixty-eight percent of people admit to spying on their partner. These surveys indicated that people under age thirty-five and female partners are more likely to engage in the activity than older people and men and most say that their partner has no knowledge of these invasions of privacy.

Why do we spy

The most obvious reason people spy is to determine if their partner is cheating or likely to cheat. We may also spy to see if they are engaging in activities or behaviors that they’ve committed to stop like drinking, doing drugs, gambling, visiting strip clubs or watching pornography but no matter what we’re looking for, we’re really just searching for assurances that they’re being honest and committed to us. For one reason or another, we do not completely trust our partners and spying is a way to gain validation without confrontation.

Why we shouldn’t spy

One of the key foundations of a healthy relationship is trust. If your partner gives you reason not to trust them, that’s a red flag that should not be ignored. The healthy way to address this is through having an open dialogue and if the situation persists, leave. If your partner isn’t giving you reasons to doubt them but you still have trouble trusting them, you may be bringing unresolved issues from your past into your new relationship. This isn’t fair to your partner. You should be open and honest about any doubts or concerns that you have with regard to honesty and infidelity so that you and your partner can work on these issues together.

You may start out by just scanning his inbox one time and tell yourself that you’ll never do it again but the fact is spying on your partner can become addicting. That’s because the validation that is received from verifying his fidelity is short lived. We keep checking because we want a continued sense of security.

Spying causing undo stress and anxiety. Once you go down the rabbit hole, there’s no going back. Let’s say you’re checking out their social media and find an attractive new friend. You want to know who they are, how they know each other and if they’re communicating publicly or privately. The next thing you know, you’re spying on a stranger’s social media, checking emails, texts, direct messages, likes and comments on photos and posts and any other ways the two might be in contact. You grow more anxious with each step in this process and just imagine the stress you would feel if you lost access to your partners device before you completed your search.

Trust goes both ways. Spying on your partner is a violation of their privacy. I’ve been in long term relationships with men who refused to go into my purse even when they had permission because that was my private space and they didn’t want to violate it. Imagine how one of those men would feel if they found out that I was checking their phone and cyber stalking their Facebook? How would they ever trust me again?

What will you do with the information once you have it? Ask yourself what you’ll do if you find out that your partner is being dishonest or unfaithful. Will you confront them? Will you leave them? What will you do if they tell you that you’re misinterpreting their activity or reading too much into those likes on that persons selfies? If you think you’ll be satisfied with them telling you that they won’t do it again, you’re probably wrong. You are more likely to continue the spying to make sure they’re not lying.

Your dishonesty in your efforts to prove that your partner isn’t betraying you is an actual betrayal of your partner. 41% of women who admitted spying on their partner said that they probably wouldn’t end the relationship if they discovered infidelity. In cases like this, spying is simply a way to get the upper hand in the relationship. It’s a way of saying, “You can’t get one over on me,” and relationships are supposed to be partnerships where both partners are equal. If you feel you need the validation that comes from having the upper hand, you’re not in a healthy relationship.

Simply put, spying is unhealthy for you, your partner and your relationship. If you feel the need to spy, you should seek to address the underlying reason for the behavior and work to resolve the problem or address the personal insecurity.

This article originally published at https://medium.com/@tomilynchromance/why-spying-on-your-partner-is-a-bad-idea-c176039315ec

A controversial take on older women and younger men

I recently saw a video on Tiktok where the male creator gave his opinion, (stated as fact, of course) on younger men dating older women. His video was an obvious attempt to shun women who date younger as he stated that he knew the “Karen’s” were going to flood his comments and that he was excited by the idea of shutting them down.

While this guy seems to be a jerk of epic proportion, I have to say that there is some truth to his opinion. Even a broken man can be right every now and then.

The basics

  • Younger men will gravitate to older women because there is no fear of commitment
  • Older women will never have a fulfilling relationship with a younger man
  • These relationships will never end in marriage
  • An older woman will always be nothing more than a teacher who trains a younger man to be a better partner to his forever woman
  • Younger men who date older are rarely high-value men. They are toxic, insecure, and financially unstable
  • High-value men date women their age or younger
  • Younger men who date older are looking for better sex, emotional support, and  financial support
  • Older women are being  used by younger men and will always end up hurt and alone

As I said, there is some truth to his statements, but a recent study confirmed that sixty percent of younger men of any age will be attracted to older, more mature women and more than one in ten marriages in America is comprised of an older woman and younger man so looking at the larger picture his logic falls short.

Yes, there are young men who will prey on an unsuspecting older woman but there are also men who will prey on younger women. Toxic is toxic regardless of the age gap.

What this Tiktocker fails to realize is that many older women date younger men because they aren’t interested in marriage or traditional relationship roles. Many of these women have been married and raised families and are post-divorce. They have come into a new phase of life in which they are independent, self-sufficient, confident, and secure. They want a partner for intimacy and companionship. They want someone with energy and enthusiasm to help them find themselves again.

These women don’t want someone to move in and make a home with. They don’t want to have to compromise on paint colors or the firmness of the mattress. They’ve done that already. They don’t want to share financial decisions and pool their money because they value their independence.

Whether these relationships turn out to be the love of a lifetime or a fond memory is no less dependent on the desires of the individuals than in any other type of relationship and, hopefully, each will be honest about their intentions.

As we shift into a world where non-traditional relationships are on the rise, it may be best not to judge the entirety of a dating preference on the negative outcomes of a few.

How to handle a hot/cold man

Tomi Dean Lynch

I searched Google for the term “hot and cold man” and received 1,470,000,000 results (0.57 seconds). If you’re currently dating a man who swoons over you one minute and seems to forget that you exist the next, you are most assuredly not alone!

What does it mean to run hot and cold?

The term is used to describe a love interest who is inconsistent in their words and behavior as it relates to their feelings and the relationship in general but the issues can manifest in several different ways.

It may be that when you’re together, he is passionate, caring, and fully engaged but when you’re apart, he’s too busy to text or call or simply keeps the conversation on a friendly level.

He may spend days, weeks, or months calling every day and seeing you every chance he gets, then, without warning, the contact stops completely for a period and then picks up like nothing ever happened.

He may simply behave like he’s committed but introduces you to his inner circle as his “friend”.

These behaviors leave you confused and concerned that he may be playing you.

Why do men go hot and cold?

He may not be certain about the relationship

He enjoys your company and isn’t ready to lose you, but he isn’t ready to commit yet, either. He’s waiting for some particular thing to convince him that you’re the one.

He’s insecure

He’s simply afraid that is he invests too much or too quickly, the relationship will fall apart.

He doesn’t feel worthy or capable of giving you what you need.

He’s playing you and possibly others

The internet opened up a world of options in the dating world and many men and women take full advantage of shopping around. It may be that when your man goes cold on you, he’s going hot on someone else.

He likes the game

When he goes cold, your instinct may be to go hot and he thrives on the attention. He wants to feel wanted and pursued.

He gets off on the initial stages of a relationship and gets bored when the thrill of the chase is gone so he backs off when things get serious so he can start pursuing you all over again.

How to respond to a hot and cold man

Your response is dependent on a few factors including what you want from the relationship and why he behaves the way he does.

First, make sure you’re not overreacting. You need to understand your partner’s love language and patterns. He may be fully committed to you but he’s more independent and needs less contact in a relationship than you’re used to. It’s important to be open and honest about your feelings and expectations.

Resist the urge to go hot when he goes cold

If he goes cold, give him space to miss you. He may feel that you’re too clingy or insecure. Show him that you are perfectly capable of spending time on your own and actually do it. Invest that time in the things that you enjoy. Healthy relationships are not codependent.

Don’t try to teach him a lesson

Some women respond to hot/cold behavior by taking to social media to post about it. Some reach out to other men to prove to their partner that they’re desirable and worthy of attention. Doing these things simply tells your partner that you can’t be trusted to be respectful and faithful.

Don’t take it personally

Men can run hot and cold on even the most perfect partner. It’s rarely about you. It’s all about their feelings, behavior, and attitude.

Confront, Set Expectations, and, if necessary, Leave

Honesty really is the best policy. If your partner’s behavior is causing you grief, you need to confront the situation. Explain your concerns, tell them what you expect from them and set healthy boundaries. If they won’t commit to meeting those expectations, believe them and move on.

Pizza Boys and Jersey Girls

I published this story in 2019 and it is truly one that is close to my heart. I grew up in New Jersey and spent most of my free time in a local pizzeria. My friends and I developed a strong bond with the men who worked there. There were always rumors that the men of the pizza places had mob connections and we used to joke about it all the time but what if it had been true?

While not a true story, Pizza Boys and Jersey Girls does bring back memories for me. 

It was a wet and rainy spring night when Bonny first saw the man of her dreams. She was just a kid and he was old enough to be her father but when he touched her hand, the pulse of electricity that ran through her was like nothing she could have ever imagined.

Danny was the manager of Pizza Mia, a local hangout for the kids of this North Jersey town. It was the mid-1980’s and the attached video arcade and one-dollar slices only added to the allure for most, but Bonny only needed one thing to keep her coming back. A smile or a wink from the dreamy-eyed man behind the counter.

Years would pass before the two would actually meet outside the walls of Pizza Mia. She was, after all, too young to touch when they met but Danny had wanted nothing more than to unleash the untapped passion in this girl who worshiped him.

Some dreams don’t always work out as planned and the two are separated soon after their first night together. Legal issues cause Danny to flee for the safer shores or Florence and Bonny goes on to find love with Carlo, who is more her age. Still, the journey isn’t over for these star-crossed lovers whose paths will reconnect in a tangled tale of jealousy, longing, intrigue, and possibly… murder.

Why is he so quick to anger?

If you’ve ever dealt with a man with anger issues you’ve probably wondered why he can be set off so easily?  When even life’s minor inconveniences send him into a rage frenzy you might find it childish and if you do, you’re not entirely wrong. According to psychologists anger is a secondary emotion meaning that there is another emotion lying under the surface and the most common underlying emotion for men with anger issues is fear. As children we lash out in angry tantrums when we are feeling insecure, sad, or unhappy.  Most of us learn to recognize these underlying emotions for what they are and focus on fixing the issue. Men with anger issues haven’t mastered that process and mask their true feelings behind a wall of anger.

Why do men resort to anger

For many generations, anger was the only acceptable form of expression for men. They were called weak or unmanly if they showed sadness or fear. Women were considered the more emotional sex because anger wasn’t considered an emotion.

Anger is so all encompassing it can be impossible to determine what it’s fueled by and most men with anger issues never try. They call themselves “hot tempered” and when the anger subsides continue about their lives until the next inconvenience causes them to lash out again. Their emotional issues never get addressed and they live their entire lives under the rage cycle which damages their relationships, careers, and overall health.

Why does this happen

Psychologist Avrum Weiss said that anger is often the result of an underlying fear in men. He gave the example of a man getting angry when his partner texts her friends late at night. This anger may be fueled by the fear that his partner doesn’t enjoy his company and that his relationship may be in trouble. Rather than communicating his fears and seeking reassurance, he lashes out in anger and demands that his partner change their behavior.

Clinical Psychologist Thomas J Harbin speculates that most male anger comes from a feeling of inferiority.  Masculinity was once defined as the ability to earn an income, to work hard and support a family. Today, women can do virtually every job that men can do and don’t need to depend entirely on a man for support. So, where does a man gain his identity? What makes him feel worthy?

Physical abuse in childhood also causes feelings of inferiority in men. Emotional and physical abuse lead to feelings of unworthiness that can last a lifetime.  For some, beating their chests and screaming is the only way they feel powerful and though rational people see this as emotional immaturity. They make themselves believe that their behavior brings them respect.

Many men with anger issues are truly remorseful for their behavior and wish that they had other outlets for their feelings. If you’re dealing with a man who never sees his anger as a problem, this is cause for concern.

How to deal with men with anger issues

Listen and try to demonstrate an understanding. Often validating one’s feelings is the best way to diffuse an emotionally charged situation. This doesn’t mean that you should allow your male partner or family member to abuse you. It just means understanding that someone who is consumed by rage is incapable of  thinking rationally or responding  to logic until after their feelings subside and putting forth an argument may serve to escalate the situation.

When the anger has subsided, calmly express how their outbursts effect you and ask them to reflect upon the reasons that they were so angry then, direct their focus to solving the problem.

Never allow yourself to become the victim of abuse. If their anger becomes physical protect yourself by removing access to you from the abuser.

Anger becomes a habit for some men and old habits are hard to break. If they are incapable of redirecting their emotions, they may need to seek professional help. If they are unwilling to see their anger as a problem, you may need to distance yourself from them.

7 signs of emotional healing

When we are healing from emotional trauma our behaviors begin to change. As we place a higher priority on our emotional health, we change the way we respond to the world around us.

You no longer argue

There may have been a time when having others acknowledge that we were right would have us arguing our point until we were ready to pull our hair out. We needed this validation to prove to us, more than anyone else, that our memories and knowledge of things weren’t skewed and that, frankly, we weren’t crazy.

As we heal from trauma we need less of this validation and realize that arguing is exhausting, time-consuming, and often unsatisfying. When this happens, we simply allow others to be wrong because we know that we’re right and that’s all that matters.

You no longer react to inconsequential things

Where once we thought that every little thing that wrong in our lives was somehow connected to everything else that has gone wrong in our lives, we grow to understand that sometimes stuff just happens. The Universe isn’t out to get us. We aren’t unlucky. We are human and little annoyances are a part of life.

We may have also had a tendency to react with anger or sadness to things that we read or saw on the internet. Perhaps we made comments and picked fights with people we didn’t even know. As we heal, we realize that nothing good comes from these interactions and simply scroll by the things that used to upset us.

You no longer seek outward validation

We no longer need compliments and praise to fuel our confidence. We may stop posting so many selfies online. We are learning our value and are no longer dependent on the acceptance of others to make us feel worthy.

You don’t wake up to worry

Remember those mornings when you opened your eyes and the first thought that crossed your mind was how everything could go wrong? We worried about everything and started our days rife with negativity. We even invented scenarios to worry about.

As we heal, we see things from a more positive perspective and sleep and wake with a calmer mind.

You care more about your health than your looks

Diet and exercise become lifestyle choices that we make for our health and longevity. Before we healed we may have hopped on fad diets or starved ourselves to look better. Now, we follow regiments that make us stronger and healthier.

You can recognize emotional triggers

When something doesn’t feel right, we can now get ahead of it and prevent panic and emotional outbursts. We know what sets us off and how to cope with or even prevent the situation from occurring.

We have learned to avoid the people and situations that make us feel bad and when we can’t avoid them, we know how to protect ourselves from them.

You trust the process more than the person

Our relationships improve because we have learned that we can’t make someone love us. We no longer spy on or give our partners the third degree. We did those things because we wanted to be sure that the person we wanted wasn’t going to hurt us. We have now realized that we are capable of choosing worthy partners and trust that we will be together only if we are compatible and capable of loving ourselves and each other. We trust the process of falling in love and having a relationship and if we fail, we know it wasn’t meant to be and move on.  

Remember that healing doesn’t mean an end to trauma. The circumstances that left us scarred happened and are part of our reality. Healing simply means that the trauma no longer controls our thinking and emotional well-being.

This article originally published at https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/7-signs-of-emotional-healing-3cfed2088bc3

Feel good hormone hacks

According to the World Health Organization, (WHO) depression and anxiety soared by an astronomical twenty-five percent in the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic. Mental health deterioration was most prevalent in the areas worst hit by the virus and spread related restrictions on movement and socialization within the population. I, personally, experienced the first panic attack of my life in the same year.

With the added stressors in the world today many people with no history of clinical depression are having to be more mindful of their mental health and for those suffering from occasional and mild cases of the blues a simple hormone hack may be just what they need to turn things around.

What are “feel good” hormones?

Simply put, hormones are the body’s messengers. When released into the bloodstream they act on organs and tissue to control how they work and also, how we feel. The four feel-good hormones are also neurotransmitters that carry messages across the space between nerve cells. These hormones are mood modifiers and when there are enough of them present in our bloodstream they produce feelings of well-being, calm, happiness, excitement, and even euphoria.

Dopamine

Dopamine evokes feelings of pleasure in our bodies because it is the hormone most associated with the reward and reinforcement system of the brain. Dopamine plays a role in other bodily functions as well including, learning, attention, mood, kidney function, pain processing, blood vessel function, sleep, and lactation.

We release dopamine when we anticipate a reward, like when we smell our favorite meal cooking and dopamine reinforces the feeling again once we eat causing us to want seconds.

One of the easiest ways to hack dopamine is by achieving goals. You can activate dopamine production every day by simply setting easily achievable goals and meeting them.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is produced in the hypothalamus and released by the pituitary gland and is commonly called the love hormone. Its primary function is to facilitate childbirth. Oxytocin stimulates uterine muscles to cause contractions and increases prostaglandins to make contractions come faster. Once the child is born oxytocin helps to move milk during lactation and facilitates the bonding of parent to child.

We secrete oxytocin when our partner sexually gratifies us and through the simple process of being touched by someone we love.

We can hack oxytocin by petting a dog, holding hands with our partners, or hugging our children.

Serotonin

Serotonin is a natural mood booster. It can stave off depression and cause feelings of euphoria. Serotonin is produced in the brain stem and moves to other parts of the brain to affect memory, sleep, body temperature, sexuality, breathing, fear and stress responses, and digestion.

We can hack serotonin by simply getting outside into the sunlight for an hour or two per day. Serotonin production also increases when we maintain healthy gut bacteria so taking soluble fiber, probiotics, and eating a healthy diet can boost serotonin. Exercise also boosts serotonin which is the hormone responsible for what is known as a runner’s high.

Endorphins

Endorphins are the body’s natural pain killers but they also promote a feeling of well-being and relieve stress.  Endorphins can be hacked in many ways including exercise, sex, meditation, and exposure to sunshine but one of the easiest endorphin hacks is to do something that scares us like watching a horror movie with the lights off. Endorphins are also released when we eat spicy food so replacing the popcorn with chips and salsa on a scary movie night will also give an endorphin boost.

This article originally published at https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/feel-good-hormone-hacks-be3ebf784fb

Want better orgasms?

Work on your pelvic floor

The pelvic floor is comprised of a group of muscles located between the tail bone and pelvic bone.  These muscles support the bowel, bladder, uterus, and vagina. Muscular bands called sphincters encircle the urethra,  vagina, and anus as they pass through the pelvic floor. The pelvic floor muscles work in conjunction with deep back muscles and the diaphragm to support the spine. They also control the pressure inside the abdomen to assist us when lifting or straining. They assist in both bladder and bowel control and have a large role to play in sexual function and satisfaction.

Some people are born with pelvic floor issues but, for most, the issues arise after certain life changes including:

  • Weight gain and obesity
  • Pregnancy and childbirth
  • Pelvic injuries from falls
  • Aging and menopause

The pelvic floor and orgasms

During the pre-orgasm stage of sexual activity the pelvic floor muscles contract. When these muscles relax, orgasm occurs. Having a strong pelvic floor increases blood flow to the penis and vagina prolonging the duration and sensation during orgasm.

Toning the pelvic floor also tightens the vagina providing increased stimulation for both partners.

For men, a healthy pelvic floor leads to stronger erections and improved erectile function.

How to test your pelvic floor health

For women, press your finger against the wall of the vagina and tense the muscles in the buttocks and upper thighs. If your pelvic floor is healthy, you’ll feel the vaginal wall push back against your finger.

For men, mimic the actions you would take to stop urination mid-stream. If the pelvic floor muscles are healthy, the tip of the pens will rise toward the abdomen during this exercise.

Symptoms of a weak pelvic floor include:

  • Leaking urine while straining, laughing, or coughing
  • Abdominal pain or pressure
  • Lower back pain
  • Frequent constipation
  • Frequent urination
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • A decline in sexual stimulation

How to strengthen the pelvic floor

Like all muscles, the pelvic floor muscles are strengthened through exercises that contract and relax them repetitively. Pelvic floor exercises including Kegels, certain yoga poses, and some breathing exercises help to strengthen the pelvic floor.

The key is to squeeze and release the muscles located between the buttocks and penis for a man and the buttocks and inside the walls of the vagina for women.

The best news is that having frequent orgasms also strengthens the pelvic floor!

Conclusion

Healthy sexual activity reduces stress and cortisol levels and is a key part of establishing intimacy and bonding with our romantic partners. Having a strong pelvic floor can make sex more enjoyable for both partners.

In addition to the sexual benefits of having a strong pelvic floor, you may also see improved balance, core stabilization,  better spinal support, and pain management in the back, legs, and ankles.

This article originally posted: https://medium.com/@tomilynchromance/want-better-orgasms-b881a31c6a2f

Stop playing games to win a man

There’s a lot of talk on the internet concerning whether or not women should chase men. Most sources tell you that chasing a man makes you look desperate and can bruise your ego if the chase doesn’t end in capturing his affection. Some sources add that chasing is biologically programmed in men and that they like hunting down and winning their prized partner and when the woman becomes the pursuer, her value drops and she is no longer worth winning to him.

Sure, there is some truth to the concept that men like to pursue women, but most men also enjoy it when a woman reaches out to let him know that she’s thinking of him. In the vastly confusing world of dating, it seems that women are being told to turn “the chase” into a well-orchestrated cat and mouse game. They’re told to count his calls and only answer after he’s called two or three times. They’re told to wait before answering texts and to never text first.  If this seems a bit manipulative and deceitful, it’s because it is.

Be authentic

The first step to building a relationship is to be clear on your feelings and expectations. The other person deserves to know how you feel about them and what you’re looking for. If you’re truthful from the start and he stops reaching out or responding, you have your answer. He isn’t looking for the same things from you, at least, for right now.

If you want to send a text or make a call, do it. You don’t have to wait for him to make the first move. If he responds great. If not, pull back. He may be busy or he may not be interested.

Think of a text conversation as if it were happening face to face. If you speak to someone and they don’t reply, you don’t just keep talking so don’t keep texting. If he answers, great. If not, consider yourself ghosted and move on.

Avoid gameplay

Life would be so much easier if there was a magic formula for meeting someone and making them fall in love with you. Sadly, there isn’t and as more women start following the advice they see on social media, more men become aware of the signs of gameplay. Just as we figured out fuck boy language, men are figuring out the ways that women manipulate.

What you want is commitment and that comes from honest connection. If you’re using subversive tactics to win a man, when do you stop and become your true self? Gameplay is exhausting because the cycle never ends. Once you have his attention, you modify the game to keep his attention. Before you know it, you’re playing games to keep him faithful because you can’t be certain what his true intentions are. You never allowed him an opportunity to show you.

Listen

If you listen with the intent to understand, you’ll have a pretty good idea of where your relationship is going. Too often we take what men say and try to interpret it like it’s a foreign language. If he tells us that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship we tell ourselves that he’s been hurt and we need to prove that we’re different and worthy of his commitment when the correct thing to do is to take his words at face value.

Express your truth

If the man you’re interested in doesn’t share your values or feelings, tell him. Let him know that you’re not on the same page. Chances are he won’t change his mind for you and that’s okay. That’s when you value yourself enough to move on.

Be empowered

There’s an amazing sense of confidence that comes from living your authentic truth. Having solid boundaries and upholding your values is an empowering stance that high-value men find very attractive. Choosing to not play games may limit the number of players on your field but the quality of those players will increase exponentially.

The best way to attract an honest, confident, strong man will always be to be an honest, confident, strong woman

Original Post: https://tomilynchromance.medium.com/stop-playing-games-to-win-a-man-1f9df726557b